sorry for the lack of updates!

I have been busy busy busy, since it has been beautiful out i have been spending most days out in the park or backyard with Emmie, she loves the sunshine just as much as i do, if not more. Her favorite thing to do is go play in the creek in the shallow area and throw rocks. She could do this for hours if i let her, tha girl hates to be dirty but if it involves water she seems more then okay with it, so we probably do this 2 to 3x a week! School has also been keeping me busy, i usually have at least 1 client a night, sometimes 2 depending on what the service is. School has been great, some days i just don't want to go because it's so nice out but i am glad i have been dragging my butt there everyday because i am close to making star student ! Basically if you have over 80% attendance, over a certain amount in service volume and retail you make star, which equals alot of perks! I've also been busy planning mine and emmies idaho trip! We are both super excited, Emmie can't stop talking about her daddy Blaine and seeing the cows. We have quite a few fun things planned for this trip, our engagement pictures, trying on wedding dresses, bonfires, taking emmie to see the movie Brave (still deciding on this one) , Blaine wants to teach me how to golf and just all around fun with family! I really can not wait, i miss Blaine a ton and i need a vaca. I hope to do a better update soon, but for now this will have to do!

How do you do it?

I am asked this question alot in reference to different things. A lot of times they are referring to being a single mom and going to school. My answer is always the same, I have A LOT of support. Not just emotionally but even financially right now. Truthfully i hate relying on my parents for financial support, since i was 18 i have lived on my own and paid my own bills and now the roles are reversed and i feel like a teenager again. I am grateful, very grateful for it. They know that school is my main focus, and they support me and want me to do the best. Being a Mommy, student, and working was hard. I was exhausted, and i loved it, but i rarely saw Emery, and that killed me and they knew it.

But the other times I am asked "How do you do it?" they are talking about my relationship with Blaine, my fiance. I can't say its easy, because it definitely is not, but our love is easy. We both know long distance is hard, so we communicate more often. Even if we aren't talking on the phone we send eachother many texts through out the day just letting eachother know what the other is up to. For instance i sent him a text today just saying "I hope your day is going good, i love you" and he sent me back 3 pictures of a broken down tractor.... Thats just how we are, when we talk on the phone sometimes its for a brief few minutes and were trying to cram the whole day into one fast coversation because the other has something going on, and other times we talk for hours and hours on end about everything and yet nothing.  Communication is key in a long distance relationship, heck it's key in any relationship, but especially a big deal in long distance. We talk about everything from minor details of the day that really don't matter to how many children we would like to have, and how far should they be spaced apart. When i see it's him calling on my phone, my heart races. Hearing his voice makes my day 100000x better...almost instantly. The other big thing is trust, I trust him completely and he trusts me.... thats all there is to it. When you love and care about someone this much, it's easy.
From the moment i meant Blaine, there was something about him. Our first few times hanging out was just long talks about our lives, where we grew up, what we did, our families... It was easy to fall in love with him, and he knew it. I think he knew i was in love with him before i knew. Thats how it's always been though, he knows me better then i know myself.  When i tell him a story i've told him 3x before, he doesn't cut me off he just laughs when i'm done and says, "babe, i've heard that story 4x now" and as i am prefusely apologizing for my shortcomings i hear him smile and say, that's why i love you. Being far away from him sucks, i dream pretty much everynight of coming home from school and seeing his truck parked out my house and then having one of those made for tv movie moments where both people just go running to eachother then magically it's raining and there kissing in the rain.... yea....i seriously dream about that. I'm really blessed, God knew what he was doing with my life, i told Blaine the other night that i feel like God stepped in when we were probably both about 16 and said...these two have to meet. How can i make it happen? ....and everything was lined up. Slightly unorthodox, yet i still feel that God had his hand in the mix.  We found eachother, and he saved me.

I think the next time someone asks me "how do you do it?" i might just respond... How could i not?

new to me car!

Since last may when i moved back home from California, i haven't had a car. In the summer it worked well because my dad has a classic 1964 Simca that he drives to his drum lessons since there 30 seconds up the street and i would have his jeep but once winter hit and the Simca went back into storage, i was out of luck. My dad and i would trade and barter his jeep, whoever had more important stuff to do got the jeep, or sometimes he would drive me to work and take it for the day. Then my ex husband got a DUI (idiot) and since he couldn't drive and i co-signed on the car, he handed the keys over to me. I had the car for about 4 months from november till march, which worked perfectly. Then he got his driving privelages back and i had to hand over the keys..which sucked. That was the same week Blaine came into town, however my best friend was out of town the same week and she let me use her car. I have been very blessed to have so many generous people handing over their keys to me...butttt i have been longing for my own car. Something that is strictly MINE!
For the past month i have been perusing craigslist for hours on end searching for the perfect car in my 3000 budget....although i have to say when it comes to cars i am quite picky. Growing up with my dad and brother as car buffs i've learned quite a lot. I was searching for a Saab, but not just any Saab, i wanted the PERFECT Saab.
   My family loves Saabs, My grandpa owned one, My dad has one (being restored), My brother has had a few and has one now, My sister and brother in law own 3 (2 being restored) Sooo we know the car well... to say the least.   I was being quite picky with my search and also had my dad and brother on the hunt....until we found this gem.  A 1989 (same age as me) Saab 900 turbo convertible with only 75,000 miles that has never ever seen a winter..... downfall.... It's stick. We went to see it this past friday and i fell in love, i had to have it.  My dad had to test drive it since i couldn't drive stick...till today, and my dad also fell in love with it. I have a feeling it will be going to Carlisle for their annual Saab car show this may...
  So today i became a proud owner of a Saab 900 turbo..

She's allll mine!

People may not think she is pretty and heck she's kinda old, but she is perfect to me, were bonding over our age!
Luckily, right after we bought her we went to dinner at my brothers house, and he needed something from the store so he handed me my keys and said...come on lets go. Of course i said no, i don't know how. He laughed and replied, yea, and now your gonna learn...come on. So he pulled it out and took it around the block explaining things the whole way. Then it was my turn. I stalled out...alot but once i got going i had no problems shifting, down shifting or breaking....just the stopping and starting.. At one point on a side street (yes we only took side streets) I came to a stop and a truck pulled right up to my bumper, i got nervous and started to panic , and stalled out...then stalled out again, and again.. After about 3x i was almost in tears because i had actually been doing pretty great till then. The truck floored around me and the driver screamed "Learn how to drive strick *******. I had tears in my eyes and yelled..thats what i'm doing.. However my brother got out of the car and screamed ITS HER FIRST TIME JERK! My big bro can be quite protective. After that things went smoothly. After we left the store we practiced some starts and stops in the parking lot and i got a LOT better. Still having trouble with the whole feathering off the clutch giving a little gas thing. But, i have to say, Blaine would be proud of his fiance if he saw how well i did. After dinner my dad drove the car home and i took it around the block a few times all by myself..and did perfectly. I think i'll be ready to start commuting in her in about a week.  Until then, i'll keep practicing, and admiring my pretty new car.

ahhhh perfection...

Just a little rant...

Being a young mother, i have witnessed quite a lot of judgement from others, who know nothing about me. Everything from rude glares, to smart comments, and very personal questions. If you know me as most of you who read this do, it comes as no surprise that i am quite witty and usually have something smart to say back. That being said sometimes i just can NOT believe what comes out of peoples mouths.
The reason i bring this up is today i was shopping at walmart for spring clothes for Emmie, the temp here in Cleveland has sky rocketed and it has been in the 80's almost everyday for the past 2 weeks, and most of emmies clothes from last summer just dont fit.
 So today, while out shopping with Emery and my dad, my dad and i seperated for a few minutes while i was looking at clothes with Emmie and he was looking for the sunscreen i needed. Emmie was kind of in a bad mood she hadn't napped and i had errands to run before her father came to get her so we went. Emmie was holding one of the shirts i was getting her and it kept slipping off the hanger and she would cry, and i would fix it, and this went on.... Well a woman walked by me, with her teenage daughter during this and looked at her daughter and said.. and i quote "I feel like im watching an episode of 16 & pregnant"  I didn't really know wether to laugh or cry. So i looked at her and said "Excuse me!" and she just laughed and kept walking.

When my dad came back over i didn't even tell him, there was no point because he probably would have hunted the woman down and had quite a few not so nice things to say to her. Besides it isn't the first time something like that has been said to me. The crazy thing to me, this woman doesn't know me at all, she has no clue of my age, my relationship ..or even if i was just baby sitting. She knew NOTHING! All she saw was emmie crying over her shirt falling off of the hanger and me putting it back on and telling her to be more careful so her new shirt doesn't get dirty. How that screams episode of 16 & pregnant i'm not sure.  So while I am already on a rant, i will share some other examples.

One time, while out with Emery shopping at babies r us in California a woman came over to gush over how cute Emery was. Being who i am i said aw thank you, then she asked if i had any more children to which i kindly replied, "Nope, she is my one and only for now" then she said "Well thats good, being a teen mother to one is hard enough, let alone more." Now maybe this woman was a teen mom and she was just trying to be sweet...but I was 21...she didn't ask my age, she had NO clue! I simply smiled and walked the other way.

Another time, When i was teaching sunday school at my old church i subbed in for the nursery class that Emery was in, normally i taught 3 year olds but it was my off week and the nursery for "waddlers and walkers" was short handed, so i offered to help. There was only one women in there that i had never worked with, and at first she didn't know Emery was my daughter. So at one point, Emery was playing with another little girl who was about the same age 18 or so months at the time, and This little girl stole the ball Emmie was playing with, and like any toddler would do, Emery pushed her down. I was busy tending to other kids and there was alot of help there so obviously i didn't respond. Also because as Emery's mom i wanted Emery to respect other adults. This woman (ugh i wish i rememberd her name) made some remark about how "Emery just didn't ever play well with others because she was obviously spoiled" to another helper..who knew i was Emery's mom.. and she kind of just stood there dumbfounded. I heard this and turned to the woman and said.. Yes my daughter IS SPOILED and YES she is an only child... But she isn't acting ANY different then any of these other toddlers do when one of the toys they are playing with gets taken away. She quickly apologized but then started asking me all these questions.. The one that got me the most was.. "Why did you want to have a child so young?" .... i don't quite remember what my answers were and i do remember the questions getting more probing.. and i also remember requesting to never work with her again.. which i didn't.. actually i never saw her again. I complained to our cordinator because i felt that she wasn't setting a very good "Christian" example especially for the young teens we had that often helped us. So maybe they decided to not let her work there...

My whole point for this blog is, to just make people think before they pass judgement. I know we all do we are only human. But maybe next time you see a mother struggling with her child.. say something like.. "oh man i've had those days" with a smile or, even help her out. Or get to know a person if you think they are struggling, maybe you could be a blessing to them. I wouldn't trade being a young mother for anything in the world. Emery was the best deciscion i ever made. I just hope that as she grows up she knows what a blessing she is to me, and i'll be sure to remind her every chance i get.

With all that being said, i am off to sleep!

a fun picture post..

I meant to post these in my last blog but my computer was being really terrible yesterday soooo here they are...

i actually remember this day we were both sick haha

Blaines 22nd birthday dinner...you can't tell because its dark but we were standing on the cliffs with the ocean behind us.

shes loved him since day one.. She had just turned 2

one of my all time favorites

love this one <3

  These pictures make me smile..I am so thankful for camera phones haha

Were engaged!

So there was one thing i didn't mention in my last blog... because we wanted our family and friends to hear it first from us and not a blog or someone else but now everyone knows soooo i can say it!
He asked and i said Yes! Of course i did i would have been a fool not to! I am so very blessed to have found someone that doesn't just love me but loves Emery as well. From day one Blaine knew that it wasn't just me, and thats tough especially since he was 21 when we started dating. He definitely could have ran in the opposite direction as fast as possible but he didn't!
 Blaine was instantly connected with not just me but Emmie as well, and everything just kind of fell into place with us. I am so very excited to join his family, i love them all so much and have felt like part of the family since the first time he brought me home to meet everyone!
I can't wait for us to start our life together. This is just the beginning....

what a week!

Blaine was here for a week...and it flew by, as it usually does. I hate saying bye to him even when i know its really only see you later...i always end up a sobbing mess! But we had an incredible week together and i have some awesome pictures.

We had alot of fun, Emery opened right up to blaine on thursday while i was at school He got to spend some quality one on one time with Emmie which was definitely needed and this is what happens while mom is away.

look at those smiles.

i think she loves him.

he sent me those pictures while i was at school..and i had to rush home and be with them..which i did!

They day i went to pick blaine up from the airport i had Emmie with me, while we were waiting for him another little girl was waiting for her grandma with her mom and little baby brother and had this adorable snow white barbie doll..Emmie fell in love and threw a fit over it while we waited...Luckily the little girl was willing to share but Emmie still insisted she get one.. So Blaine and I decided we would get her one, but we got her belle instead, and Blaine also bought her a new princess game for her leap pad...here was Em's reaction to her first ever barbie...

We also had a really fun time and took Emmie to the new Cleveland Aquarium and althought it was a BIT pricey, her smiles were worth it....the thing she wanted to see the most..."the hammer shark" as she called it...my favorite creature was this thing...

crazy right...

Blaine and i loved the touch tank i think we spent a good 45 minutes there alone...Emmie kept saying she wanted to touch too, but once a sting ray or shark got to close she would freak out..but she loved it.
She was so fascinated by all the different fish that she would run from one tank to the other tank ooohing and ahhing...we tried to keep up. She left with a cute little hammer head shark stuffed animal...and she has slept with it ever since.

We did a bunch of other fun stuff sooo bring on the pictures.!! here they are!

love

right before he left, but we were all smiles ;-)

she was having way to much fun.

I have a few more, but these are my favorites. It was amazing having him here...Now im going to attempt to go to sleep....

ecstatic

in just 2 hours i will be leaving to go pick up Blaine from the airport...my stomach has been doing flips all day and i could barely sleep last night!! This is nothing new though even when we both lived with our friends in cali when i would hear his truck coming home i would get excited..its always been that way.
When i went to visit him in november when i saw him waiting for me i got so light headed and excited i almost blacked out on the escalator haha.  I am seriously not exagerating, theres just something about him!

On to something else, yesterday i had to go to the doctor. I have seen the same doctor since i was like 13 - the few years i lived in cali. I also worked for her when i was 16. She is CRAZY..When i say crazy i literally mean it. She is romanian and about 45 years old and last time i saw her she looked like a 40 year old. Now ...She has bleach blonde hair has had a face lift and a boob job and yea...she looks good but still. I also saw her new sparkly bmw parked out front....Owning your own practice and being on the medical board of one of the most prestigious heart hospitals in the world (Cleveland Clinic) obviously has it's perks..
Now when i worked for her she treated me terribly which is why i quit..She called me the C word in front of an entire waiting room full of patients..and i responded by saying some not so nice things and walking out.. But the reason i still go to her is in 2007 she found my moms cancer...and saved my moms life.. thats one of those things that makes her worth it. She is a GREAT doctor. But yesterday i had to get blood drawn and a bunch of other things...now im nervous for the results of my thyroid panel....and i wont hear about it for probably a week.
When my mom had Lung cancer in 2007 she also found out she had Graves Disease. A thyroid disease and had to have her thyroid removed...after that she gained nearly 50 lbs because of the steroids she had to take to make up for the missing thyroid.. My brother and oldest sister also have thyroid problems..and since ive lost alot of weight recently and my anxiety has been terrible.. They think my thyroid is overactive.....ugh 
I got put on new medicine for my anxiety and obsessive compulsive tendencies...and heres to hoping they work....for the love of everything i hope they do!

But now i am off to go make myself look pretty so i can pick my gorgeous boy up from the airport..
I'll try not to pass out...but im not making any promises... I can't wait for Emmie to see him , she has been talking about him ALLLLLL day!!!
EEEK
 <3 Paula

23

I celebrated my 23rd birthday this past friday. It was sorta bittersweet. On one hand i can say i am very happy with where i am at at 23 on the other hand, theres just a lot of things i would have changed.. But coulda woulda shoulda's don't get you anywhere in my life...as my boyfriend would say..
"You can what if all day, but it doesn't change anything" ... I tend to dwell in the past alot..im not talking years in the past but even day to day...just oh wow i wish i would have done that/dealt with that this way..or what if i had done this instead...

I was downloading a bunch of music and one of my favorite bands is a Christian rock band called Safetysuit..there first cd was amazing filled with really powerful real life lyrics that nearly everyone can relate to, and there new cd came out so i knew i had to download it...and i came across this song with these lyrics

If you don’t believe in what you’ve got
It’s like you can’t see that you’re enough
He damaged you too many times
Now all you see are all the lies

You gotta believe in what you’ve got
You gotta believe in what you’ve got

If you gotta cry, then let it out
If you gotta scream, let me hear you shout
Cause you got a life, you’re letting go
See you’ve got a past, but I don’t know

The song is called Believe...and its pretty great.. There first cd is still my favorite but they have a one republic feel..

 

...and now im off to listen to some music and pass out..on another note just 3 days!!!

what do toddlers do at 11pm at night?

Well mine doesn't sleep... Lately at least. Tonight was pretty entertaining though..I laid Emery down for bed at around 8, i heard her up at 9:30 so i went in there, she had went potty and was complaining that she was hungry. So i brought her out for a snack then laid her back down..She was quiet for a while so i was catching up on my dvr'd shows. Then all of a sudden i hear stomping in her room and her babbling..so i peek around the corner and see her light on..So of course i walk in..and this is what i found...

she destroyed her room..almost every item of clothing was on the ground so were toys and bits of paper...How she managed to be this destructive and so quiet i have NO IDEA.. but i couldn't even be upset...i mean look at that face...Oh did i mention she changed herself out of her pj's into THAT outfit, headband, plastic heels and all.. Definitely can not be mad.. I convinced her to get back in bed..and after about 5 minutes she was passed out. She is seriously amazing..

On to other things, There is alot of great things about being in cosmetology school but the best would be how amazing change is, you can seriously make people look years younger, or even older and also accentuate features or diminish them just by cutting or coloring someones hair!.. And i love change when it comes to hair and fashion..I hate looking the same all the time..So i was searching for some inspiration and came across this picture of this girl with this deep violet hair...and i new i had to have it..So i did it today..it came out great however in regular light it just looks black but in sunlight it looks a gorgeous deep violet color..I took some pictures with my new phone and some of them came out pretty cool..Dark hair really makes my green eyes pop...so here they are!

I am very happy with the results..its so much fun to change your haircolor.

Then i took a silly classic duck face picture and lemme say..the duck face isn't flattering on me..but hey my eyes look pretty sweet.

oh man haha

on that note, im off to sleep!

In 12 days.....

In 12 days..Just 12 days i get to see ....................
My boyfriend! 

Words can not describe how excited i am, he has never been to Ohio so it will be fun, plus we live two completely different lifestyles....Im excited for him to finally meet my family after a year and a half and see where i grew up. And i am so excited for Emmie to see him. She asks about him alot and i know she loves and missed him..She hasn't seen him since last may and she has definitely changed a WHOLE lot so i can't wait to see how he reacts to her.  This isn't exactly a surprise to me that he is coming, we have been talking about it since i was last there in November, but we didn't know exactly when...we played around with a few ideas but the other night he emailed me the itenerary..i about peed myself... then started screaming with excitement... No, im not exagerating i literally screamed.  I turn 23 in a week and i could care less about that day..because my present comes on the 7th that is the best birthday present i could EVER ask for!!
I was really hoping to add a few cute pictures of us to this post...but I have a new phone and they were all on my old one which i haven't hooked up to my comp to take them off yet...So OH well.. I'll post some great ones after his visit..
and until then i will just keep myself busy with Emmie and school and try to contain my excitement..
ahh who am i kidding that's not possible!! Ah I love him, i am pretty lucky to have such a great guy. He knows just how to make me smile .
on that note.. Goodnight!

some news

2 weeks ago i put my 2 weeks notice in at davids for MANY reasons, The main reason being my unhapiness there.. I was being treated terribly there, I did go to HR and once i did my schedule went from about 30 hours a week magically down to 7 ... Supposedly for "No reason at all" .. So i talked to my family and friends and everyone agreed..time to go. I am honestly SO happy with my deciscion my anxiety has been not so bad and im getting more time with Emery. I know im going to have to find another job but im gonna give myself a week or 2 to just hang with my princess!..
In other news last sunday i did a wedding me and my friend from school dd the bridesmaids hair. It came out fabulously and i was really proud of myself It was a huge boost in confidence and really reassured me that i am in the right field.  So here are some pictures.. I didn't take as many as i would have liked and i forgot to take them after we put flowers in everyones hair but even still it looks good.

 Those were 2 of the 3 i did and i only got one girl with the flowers in.. But i gotta say it was so much fun and i made 30 dollars an hour.. Not bad for 3 hours work.


Can't wait to be doing this for a living!

croup...again

I have been sick the last few days...like can't move can't breathe sick and of course Emery got it too.... however every time Emmie gets sick it turns into something worse... Last night Emery started coughing....and i instantly heard the barking seal sound....So even though it was 2 am i shoved Emery into the car and took her into the ER....The doctor confirmed what i already knew...croup..so a steroid shot and breathing treatment later we were able to go home.. However, this isn't the first time Emmie has had croup..In fact..It's the third..She had it the first time 3 weeks after coming home from the Nicu..Then again last year when i was home visiting for my valentines day and my birthday..and again now. It really is one of the scariest sounds in the world... but she seems better now..soo ill just keep watching her for the next few days and hope she gets better...off to sleep.

15 things i want Emery to remember as she grows up

So i kind of stole this idea from another mommy blogger but i thought it was amazing.
Although Emery is only 3 i see her adult mind forming right in front of me...and there are somethings i never want her to forget...

Dear Emery,
All though you are only 3 years old, you amaze me everyday, you hold adult conversations with me, you know just how to make me smile when i'm down..Sometimes i think you know  I am down even if  am not showing it...maybe you really do. Your personality amazes me, your alot like me in so many ways outgoing and outspoken...you never hold back.. For all these reasons and more..I love and adore you and here are somethings i hope you will remember,

1. I hope you never lose you willingness to try new things...wether it be making silly faces to make someone laugh or putting bright orange lipstick on.  (orange really isn't your color, but you still looked adorable)

2. I hope you still reach out for me when you need me, wether it's because a boy broke your heart, or you did something embarassing...I know even when your in your 20's I will still want to feel needed by you.

3. I hope you never lose your imagination....someday you might want it to escape to paradise in your head when your own children are driving you nuts... or a boss is treating you terribly..

4. I hope you never let someone manipulate you...You are the boss of you knowbody else is...well i am till your 18...but no one else should be ;-) ...

5. I hope you always smile over the little things... sometimes the little things are what keeps us going...and your smile is one of the things i will never take for granted.

6. I hope you sing loudly and dance whenever you want... Even if it is off key..although i know you and it won't be...i hear you sing in my car everyday and your always in tune it amazes me and makes me smile....Until i realize that you just sung a cuss word...I really need to monitor my radio station choices while your in the car....

7. I hope you never lose your curiosity.. even though sometmes your constant "what's that?" and "that?" drive me batty...i secretly think about all the questions you asked me at the end of everynight and smile over how friggin cute you are.

8. I hope you always give out compliments like you do now... honestly hearing you say "Mommy your beautiful" is usually the highlight of my day, because i know its genuine...I hope that as you grow older you can always give a compliment over an insult...

9. With that last one being said..I still hope you never lose your outspokeness, this is a traight you got straight from me and one im quite proud of...although i know one day it will get you into trouble...sometimes you just need to say what your thinking and dont hold back....

10. I hope you always fear bugs...okay this one is partially for me...mostly because i never want you to come home with a pet that you have to feed crickets or meal worms to. ... Ew please dont.

11. I hope you always enjoy what you see when you look in the mirror...Everyday after you get dressed you go look in the mirror at yourself and say "mommy i cute" ..and i always reply..yes Emery your beautiful...you truly are.. I hope as you grow older everytime you look in the mirror you can say "I am beautiful" because in this day and age as women we strive to look a certain way...but no matter what beauty is also who you are on the inside and i have no doubt that you will always be a beautiful person.

12. I hope you always Thank God for the blessings and turn to Him when you need him... I know that you haven't been to Church in a long tme...(something i should be smacking myself for) but i hope that as you grow you can develop your own love in God..I will not push it on you, i want you to have faith...I don't want faith to be pushed upon you...

13. I hope you never fear life...Speaking from experience, life just doesn't go as planned...so just don't get upset when something doesn't go exactly how you want...everything works out...

14. I hope you will always leave your heart open for love, love is a magical things wether its from friends, family or a lucky man that will one day steal your heart, or women....Depeding on what you so chose. Either way.. Keep yourself open to love.... because it really is an amazing thing.

and lastly

15. I hope you never ever forget what a miracle you are to me. My little 3lb 12oz , 15 inch miracle..You were right then and always will be perfection in my eyes...

I am sure as you grow older this list will grow longer...but for now..it will do..

I love you ms.emmie mae.. you are my world.

love always, Mommy

Anxiety...

So let me start off by saying, i suffer from anxiety. Most people would never ever guess that I have anxiety, I am very outgoing and appear quite confident.. but i do suffer from anxiety and when i say suffer i mean suffer.
Certain days are worse then others.. I have had anxiety most of my life but in my teens it was diagnosed as depression and insomnia so i was on a drug called lexapro for depression and then sleep aids for night time...At the time i had no clue i had anxiety.. When it really came to life was after i had Emery.. I was diagnosed with Social anxiety aka "agoraphobia" now most people think agoraphobia is fear of leaving the house and yes it is but it comes in MANY forms... After i had Emery we had to drive 44 miles to the hospital she was at..and California drivers are terrible...i would start to cry in the car because i was terrified...It only got worse from there on long drives i usually have to take medicine (obviously when I am not the one driving) but that is usually the only way for me to stay calm. Since then my anxiety has gotten worse..Some examples..
I was in line at the bank and there was about 20 other people waiting...as i stood there i just felt like everyone was staring at or talking about me in some way.. My heart started racing and i felt hot and flush and i just booked it out of the bank after already waiting for 20 minutes...I got to my car and felt myself almost pass out..luckily i didn't but afterwards i felt so foolish 

When i have too many people talking to me at once the same thing happens i get so anxious i want to lash out and seriously scream..and i have.

I finally went to the doctor in 2009 and was diagnosed after getting medication things got better the problem is my anxiety isn't all the time but when i have it , it escalades and fast and since depression and anxiety kind of go hand and hand they wanted me to take anti depressants and i am not okay with that , because i am overall a very optimistic happy person.. but i did agree to xanax to control my panic attacks as to not have one of those bank incidents happen again. I only take it when i know i am going to be in a setting where a panic attack is likely to occur. Otherwise it just makes me want to sleep...

But the reason i am posting about this today is because , in the last 2 days my anxiety has been terrible and i had 2 bad moments..one i don't even want to post about but the other was an incident today I was at dinner at my grandmas..there was quite a few of us and Emery was acting up and everyone was eating and asking me to pass this or that and i just wanted to cry..I felt so anxious and sick to my stomach ...but the reaction i get everytime i have a panic attack is the same from everyone.. "Just calm down!!"
Listen, if i could calm down.. i would . I can't control it at all and having absolutely no control over your emotions and bodies natural response is terrifying especially when your a bit of a control freak.. Being as outgoing as i am people have a hard time understanding my anxiety because most people who have it are usually more shy and reserved..but i think my outgoing personality probably stemmed from my anxiety of other people..If i am outgoing and funny i feel like they like me so i feel more comfortable around them and then my anxiety doesn't flare up.
This post isn't to make anyone feel bad for me...I don't need that..I just want people to understand that anxiety is real, its not something anyone can control the only thing you can really do for someone when there having a panic attack is just try to calm them down without saying "calm down" talk to them about the situation why they feel uncomfortable or simply take them away from the situation..thats usually the best thing to do.  Hopefully this gives a little insight , i would go more in depth but it's quite hard to explain the feeling of anxiety....I wish i could , it might make it easier for people to understand..

A nice day off!

So today I had the entire day off... no school no work just time for Emmie and myself.  So refreshing...that never happens...We spent the morning watching cartoons and cuddling then we had a tea party and just played together...sometimes i get lost in the world of her imagination...she will bring me "invisible presents" and i will "unwrap" them and get so excited over it... then i'll ask her what it is and she makes something up. today she gave me some "pink sparkwy earwings"  and then she gave me "a big hooge purple cayon" to do "homewort" with she gave me a couple other pretend gifts but each one she gave me i poured over..and it made her day..which intern made mine.. Her imagination is pretty amazing, i think if i could wander into her imagination it would be full of sparkly, glittery pink and purple things..i imagine big pink fluffy clouds and unicorns... after we played for a while she turned into a totally different Emery I call this alter ego of hers...
"bad news belle" since she often refers to herself as belle... this is when a nap is TOTALLY needed and she goes into meltdowns over everything...So i laid her down for a nap (she never took one) but she at least laid in her bed and relaxed and i got to shower and do a load of laundry....
After her nap we went and got manicures at "sissas" my best friends melissas work.. Unfortunately we didn't get much time with sissa because she got a walk in massage about 10 minutes after we got there but she did have time to give Emmie a mani.. Emmie picked "Barbie pink" now i can't recall if i posted it or not but barbies do not exist in Emerys world....for my own personal reasons i do NOT believe in barbies and i will throw it away if someone buys Emery one...butttt aunt teejay and uncle jo jo gave Emery a pink barbie jeep power wheels a couple of weeks ago and now she knows the term...So Emery got :cringe: Barbie pink nails
And i got a very cool grey gliter shelac..after Emery saw my glitter she wanted it too soo Corey my nail tech gave Emmie and extra coat of  "princess glitter" on her nails.
On the way home Emmie conked out in her car seat..and as i looked in my rearview mirror at her i smiled because it was quite a succesful day... 

And now im on my laptop looking at some wonderful things i wish i could buy...but THIS oh yes THIS will be on my Birthday wish list for sure!!! I have been eyeing these for a while but this is my favorite one and i want it baddddd...

This lovely bracelet is made of shear handles!! I would rock this everyday! This lovely bracelet is available at
http://www.hairscissorspro.net/shop/Scissor-Charm-Bracelets-Cuffs-Purple.html
If you know any hair stylists i can guarantee they want one or already own one.....

Now back to perusing the internet before i pass out...Goodnight!

60 days and counting...

I keep countdowns and count ups on my phones for whatever reason having a number to look at is nice...On my phone i have two different countdowns...The first one says 78 days since......And that one means 78 days since i last saw my love..(i keep alot of my private life..quite private) and since that amount of days makes me want to cry...I'll move on to the next counter...60 days....60 days TILL.........................................
I HIT THE FLOOR!!! yes yes, yours truly will be doing hair in just 60 days...okay i will be supervised by teachers and i wont be making money (well tips) buttt i will be doing what i love and i am pretty stoked about it..March 26th can not come any faster!!  I'll show you a little peak of what to expect!!

rocking my regency apron in the break room!

This picture also proves to me that i have lost ALOT of weight...the scale also tells me but well pictures show more..When i left Cali in may i was close to 145 the biggest i have ever been "not including pregnancy where i got up to 172 haha! but let me tell you i was NOT happy with myself..but working and running around like a mad woman has its perks...I am now down to a hefty 119! and also down 2 cup sizes ...just can't win haha
but i am honestly geniunely happy with my body for the first time in a VERY long time!!  Although my man thinks i could stand to gain back about 10 lbs..oh and never cut my hair this short ever again haha..
So hair is another pic of my new hair ..a better one..and AHH i can't wait for saturday when we color it because man this awesome hair cut needs some amazing color...soo another pic

love it!

Okay so Yes i love my hair...but i will love it a lot more when it grows about 2-3 inches...the back is just a tad to short...

and i got a little off track with this post...so i'll try to get back on course...
So as for my countdowns and countups and such...I have a list of things i am really looking forward to in the next few months...so here they go

-my 23rd birthday !!
-My man coming to visit :crosses fingers crosses fingers:
-hitting the floor!!
-Getting my own car ...ugh this could happen tomorrow and i would be stoked
-The march of dimes walk. Last year we didn't go, and i am excited to get all dressed up in purple with emmie in her ..I was a 29 weeker but look at me now shirt and raise some money for prematurity awareness!
- Getting Emmie into either ballet or soccer for spring!
- andddd Bridal christmas being over....please shoot me, the money is nice but the stress is almost not worth it!

and now i am off to sleep.. I have tomorrow off of school AND work...this is my first FULL day off of both in a while and i am sooooooo excited to spend the entire time doing whatever with ms. emmie...maybe another manicure is an order...i think so!!!

Fun Facts about me.

So tonight i figured, i write alot about Emery, so for once i am gonna change it up a bit and share some things about me. so here are some fun facts

I love sushi, i can eat about 20 rolls in one sitting....and still want more.
I am slightly addicted to pepsi....
I have pretty terrible anxiety, i ran out of a bank once because i thought "everyone" was staring at me....
I take a bubble bath pretty much everynight..it helps me sleep!
I cloth diapered my daughter for about 2.5 years!
I am terrified of the dark...absolutely petrified....
I own maybe 3 or 4 items of clothing that aren't black or grey....I can't seem to buy color..ever
I have 8 nephews and nieces and one more on the way!!! I have been an aunt since i was 4!
My nephew that is 4 years younger, is one of my best friends..we can talk for hours about anything..
I still sleep with a teddy bear...One night i let emery sleep with it...and i had to steal it back..(not proud of that)
I back packed in Europe with my parents for 2 weeks when i was 15...it was amazing.
I have been to 8 different countries including our own..
I have never had stitches or broke a bone...ever.. (knock on wood)
I can't watch a baby story without crying...because i never got that full term healthy baby experience...
When i am seriously upset i talk to myself....it calms me down...
Every job i have ever Interviewed for i have gotten....
I have a big love for willow trees, ever since pochahontas, i would love to be married under one...

Thats about all the fun facts i can think of... im sure there are more though...and hey if you ever want to know something about me just ask..I'll answer pretty much everything!!

change is good...right.

So Emery got her fish yesterday! It was a beatiful 56 degrees and we needed to get out of the house, so we made a stop at petsmart and Emmie picked our a purple beta, okay its more blue then purple but its as close as we could get, Then we picked out a glass tank that has a nice little LED light attached so it's actually a perfect little night light! She picked out the rocks pink and purple of course then we got a pink and purple plant and...of course a castle for the fishies tank!! True princess style. On the way home she named her new fishy "Lilly" although Lilly is a male beta...Oh well haha. So Lilly and her princess tank have a new found home in Emery's princess room..its pretty much a perfect fit. She loves her, after we set everything up Emmie was so excited she just sat on the floor in her room for a good hour staring at her fishy and yelling MOMMY SHE'S GOING IN THE CASTLE..over and over... haha. Oh to be young. She even woke up this morning and said Mommy Lilly needs breakfast! Very cute.. So here is lilly in all of  her...okay "his" Princess splendor.

I am very happy that Emmie loves her new pet!

In other news and the reason for the title of this post is that i did this today...


After!!!



Before.....

As you can see..Big change.. I'm really not meant to have long hair, my hair is far to fine and extremely thick that having it long just means knots galore, and because my hair is so heavy all of my natural curl is gone...Soooo today in school my fellow class mate and my teacher tag teamed my hair..I know the after picutre isn't so great..no makeup and such but i am extremely happy...although a few of my friends and my sister will be upset that i did it. I am happy about it plus as my teacher would say... "There is no crying because of hair" It will grow back...and hey if i start to hate it i can always put extensions in!

finally time to take a breath!!

So the last few weeks have been ABSOLUTELY crazy, we are in the busy season for Bridal aka "Bridal Christmas" and it has been quite NUTS. I have been working 30= hours a week as well as going to school 25 hours a week...so i haven't had much free time... When i do have free time i spend every second of it with Emery. About a week and a half ago we had a mommy daughter manicure day, we headed up to the spa that my best friend melissa is a massage therapist at and Emmie and i got manicures.. She got pink nails with little white flowers on them and i got fuschia glitter shelac..which still looks amazing  as I type! Emery loves being treated like a princess and totally enjoyed it, we also did some shopping, Emmie got a new pair of shoes, a tinkerbelle purse and some hello kitty socks, all picked out by her. Then last week on my day off Emery and i spent the entire morning cuddling on the couch watching beauty and the beast and then we had a tea party that lasted a good 2 hours. .. Thankfully this week i have way less hours 16...trust me i need to have only 16 hours , so i have a couple mornings free just to hang out with miss Emmie before i head off to school!!

Tomorrow Emery and I are going to wake up eat some breakfast and head to Petsmart, because tonight Emery said, Mommy I want a fish, A PURPLE one! Soo I asked her if she would feed it everyday and she said yes mommy! So tomorrow we will get her a purple beta, With some awesome pink and purple rocks and maybe a princess castle in the bowl..who knows! But i am excited to watch her light up while we pick it out and i can't wait to hear what she names it. (she has been getting very creative with names) Today she named my one mannequin that i highlighted Callie.. This is actually going to be her Valentines Day present, i know its early but hey, she is the love of my life!

So on another Note school is going pretty amazing, i get excited everyday to leave for school which makes me love it even more, then seeing my own work after makes me smile....
There are a lot of negatives in my life right now, but i am only focusing on the positive...Hopefully i can continue to do that....