Anxiety...

So let me start off by saying, i suffer from anxiety. Most people would never ever guess that I have anxiety, I am very outgoing and appear quite confident.. but i do suffer from anxiety and when i say suffer i mean suffer.
Certain days are worse then others.. I have had anxiety most of my life but in my teens it was diagnosed as depression and insomnia so i was on a drug called lexapro for depression and then sleep aids for night time...At the time i had no clue i had anxiety.. When it really came to life was after i had Emery.. I was diagnosed with Social anxiety aka "agoraphobia" now most people think agoraphobia is fear of leaving the house and yes it is but it comes in MANY forms... After i had Emery we had to drive 44 miles to the hospital she was at..and California drivers are terrible...i would start to cry in the car because i was terrified...It only got worse from there on long drives i usually have to take medicine (obviously when I am not the one driving) but that is usually the only way for me to stay calm. Since then my anxiety has gotten worse..Some examples..
I was in line at the bank and there was about 20 other people waiting...as i stood there i just felt like everyone was staring at or talking about me in some way.. My heart started racing and i felt hot and flush and i just booked it out of the bank after already waiting for 20 minutes...I got to my car and felt myself almost pass out..luckily i didn't but afterwards i felt so foolish 

When i have too many people talking to me at once the same thing happens i get so anxious i want to lash out and seriously scream..and i have.

I finally went to the doctor in 2009 and was diagnosed after getting medication things got better the problem is my anxiety isn't all the time but when i have it , it escalades and fast and since depression and anxiety kind of go hand and hand they wanted me to take anti depressants and i am not okay with that , because i am overall a very optimistic happy person.. but i did agree to xanax to control my panic attacks as to not have one of those bank incidents happen again. I only take it when i know i am going to be in a setting where a panic attack is likely to occur. Otherwise it just makes me want to sleep...

But the reason i am posting about this today is because , in the last 2 days my anxiety has been terrible and i had 2 bad moments..one i don't even want to post about but the other was an incident today I was at dinner at my grandmas..there was quite a few of us and Emery was acting up and everyone was eating and asking me to pass this or that and i just wanted to cry..I felt so anxious and sick to my stomach ...but the reaction i get everytime i have a panic attack is the same from everyone.. "Just calm down!!"
Listen, if i could calm down.. i would . I can't control it at all and having absolutely no control over your emotions and bodies natural response is terrifying especially when your a bit of a control freak.. Being as outgoing as i am people have a hard time understanding my anxiety because most people who have it are usually more shy and reserved..but i think my outgoing personality probably stemmed from my anxiety of other people..If i am outgoing and funny i feel like they like me so i feel more comfortable around them and then my anxiety doesn't flare up.
This post isn't to make anyone feel bad for me...I don't need that..I just want people to understand that anxiety is real, its not something anyone can control the only thing you can really do for someone when there having a panic attack is just try to calm them down without saying "calm down" talk to them about the situation why they feel uncomfortable or simply take them away from the situation..thats usually the best thing to do.  Hopefully this gives a little insight , i would go more in depth but it's quite hard to explain the feeling of anxiety....I wish i could , it might make it easier for people to understand..