update and story

okay so i know im not very creative with my blog titles but seriously...i usually start with one topic and go on to another sooo yea...
anyways i will start by saying we had a great Christmas, No snow but still great! Emmie was spoiled rotten and got alot of awesome gifts...one of my particular favorites is the porcelian tinkerbelle tea set my grandma got her....(insert sarcasm) now i must admit Emmie loves them and really enjoyed "pouring tea" and having a tea party with EVERYONE in the family but theres nothing worse then hearing a porcelain tea cup BOUNCE off her wood floor...She hasn't broken one yet, those things are pretty damn sturdy but im already dreading the day i have to sweep up tiny shards of tea cup off her wood floor...But she loves them and i really truly enjoy our emmie mommy teddy bear tea parties.. One of the things i got her pairs perfectly and its pretty dang awesome i got her this plastic fake food set but..its a cake and there in slices and everything is velcro and it came with these plastic rasberries, strawberries, cookies and whip cream toppings that velcro on to the top of the cake and then she can slice them and put them on plates so it goes perfectly with the tea party.. it is ALOT cuter then i am describing it and its perfect for her age!
I also got some pretty awesome christmas gifts, i got a beautiful purple hand croched afghan from my other family in Idaho along with my favorite candies from there and some awesome "I like Milk" stuff... Gotta love Dairy farmers! My favorite is my new sparkly compact with jewels that says "I like Milk" on it.. its perfect. I also got a brand new grey and purple comforter set from my parents along with some new pj's and makeup. So it was a pretty awesome Christmas...even with the family disputes keeping everyone from being in the same place at once and my poor parents having to do Christmas Eve in shifts or as i called it.. "waves"
Soooo Onto another subject..

Tonight..
Tonight i came home from school at 9:30 like usual and walked in and Emmie was already in bed, so i went to the kitchen and made myself a salad...as i was eating my dad tells me that Emery asked to go to bed around 8, so they tucked her in, but i could hear her in her room just chatting away..So i figured i would stop in and say hi..so as i walk up to her door i hear her having a full on conversation, she was talking about Santa and what she got and how some toy was at her dads house..then she would pause, laugh and say something else...I heard her say, "YES! Santa is real!" and "Well mine is yellow..." then i realized who she was talking to...My Grandpa....I often feel him around, my Grandma does too and Emmie only met him a few times but they had a great connection, she would always climb into his lap when we were there and Summer 2010 when i was home for the whole summer right before he passed Emmie and my grandpa saw alot of eachother...So as she was having the conversation, i just said to God, "God if that is my Grandpa with Emery in there talking , give me a sign..." Well, i don't know if my Grandpa or God delivered this sign but what happend next was truly amazing, and brought tears to my eyes...First let me say i was RIDICULOUSLY quiet by Emery's door, she didn't hear me creep up and there was NO way she knew i was listening because i had been standing there for about 10 minutes...but after i said that in my head...Emmie stopped talking...and all she said was... Hi Mom, I know your at the door.... just like that..then she laughed and said, I know, mommy is silly.. My eyes welled up with tears, i truly feel like that was my grandpas way of saying YUP I'm here!! Then Emmie said...Goodnight Mommy..and continued on rambling about how she goes pee on the potty and wears panties now... Normally i won't go up to my room until i know Emery is for sure asleep but, tonight i did.. She's in safe hands...
I wish Emery could have known her great grandpa the way i did, i wished she could have known the way he smelled like lotion all the time and felt the way he hugged right before we left there house...Most off all i wish she could have heard his first hand stories about world war 2 and working at Nasa, but I know he is watching over her, and all of us and that alone fills me up with joy. He was a great man, and i miss him more and more everyday. .

Last Memorial Day, Emmie at my Grandpas grave..

2 blog posts in one day!! Whattt!!!

Alright so i am posting again today, but hey it may be a few days before i get to my schedule is kinda crazy.
So i just have to toot my own horn because i am very proud of myself! Today at school we had are skin unit test and i got 100% plus i got 100% on all of my rubrics which are basically practical tests. I was pretty happy with myself and i have been taking notes like a mad man and reviewing every night.. 
Emery was really cute when i got home i told her i got an A on my test, and my parents and Emmie clapped for me, it was pretty cute.  Now Emery is in bed , it's her 2nd night in her toddler bed and once again she went down without a fuss, and i am a little sad...because i am going to miss cuddling with her in my bed. But i am also so proud of her because she really is turning into a big girl.
But now it's time for a bubble bath and bed time and gotta pack up a lot of my stuff to take to school tomorrow...were starting chemical texturizing...woo hoo.!

How i spent my Sunday!

So one of Emery's Christmas presents was getting her room transformed into a Perfect princess room, we have been talking about it for weeks and we even let her pick the colors If anyone is curious there Behr Disney paints, the purple is posies for pooh and the pink is called pretty as a princess! So anyways we realized that this was going to be my only day off until Christmas and in order to get it done we had to do it now. Everyone contributed to this room, For Christmas my sister Teejay and her husband Jon bought all the stuff for Emmies room and its all disney princess, so they bought: The toddler bed, the kitchen, the vanity, the dresser, the table and chairs, the phone, the cd player and the lamp...yea ALOT, then my parents bought : the rug, the bedding set, the cubes, the letters for the wall, the decals anddddd all the paint!! So while Emery was with her dad on sunday we got busy from noon till 7:30, i broke everything down and pulled it out. Then me teej and my dad got busy painting...after that my dad and Jon brought all the new stuff in and us girls arranged it perfectly all while my mom made chicken and dumplings mmmm..At 7:30 i picked Emery up, she came in and was sooo excited and overwhelmed, i caught the reaction on video but it will not upload ugh...but i have pictures and i'll post them after i say this.. This room is what we call the generation room we have ALL been in there as kids, when i was born it became my room untl i was about 16 , it was my mickey mouse room as a toddler and then when i got older it was my blue with sponge painted clouds room then it became the beige room when Teejay was on bed rest and NOW it is the Princess room!! So here it is!!

The colors!

My dad edgeing, he even ruined his favorite hoody.

Almost finished!!

Finishing touches!

Seeing her new bed!





Overwhelmed by all the stuff!

Cooking in the kitchen with her Colten.

I was absolutely overjoyed on how it came out and Emery was too, she loves it and she had a great night in her new toddler bed! This wouldn't have been possible without all the amazing help from my family, they have done everything to make Emery feel like the princess we all know she is!! I am so grateful to my family.

It's 2 am

and i can't sleep

your in my thoughts and in my dreams

thousands of miles between us

but all i see are stars

wishing i could be

exactly where you are.




                            

Emmies santa picture and an update.

So as i talked about in my last post , Christmas Traditions, Emery got her Santa picture this past friday. I have been so busy with work and school i barely have time to eat but my dad was awesome enough to take Emmie for her Santa picture, Im sad that i wasn't there but at the same time i am happy it got done. Emery looked so pretty in her New Dress and luckily since the mall is right by my work my dad stopped by so that i could do Emery's hair before the picture, but my manager didn't like the way i did it and took it upon herself to do it, it looked really cute i must say. Sooo here is the picture!!

Absolutely amazing!,
After they finished with santa and lunch they came back up to my work to show me the pictures, all the girls at work swooned over Emmie in her pretty dress and the picture and my dad was very proud. Emmie told us all that she asked Santa for a princess room and a computer (ipad)... Ahh yes. 2 things Santa is delivering on ;-)

So on another note, School has been going great i absolutely love it although i have been finding it hard to want to sit in class for 4 hours when i could be home snuggling with Emery.. I have been missing her so much there is just not enough hours in the day. But my family has been amazing at taking turns watching her while i work and school. Luckily tomorrow i have a day off of work and i don't have to leave for school till 4:30pm so luckily i have most of the day to hang out with Emmie pants, i think were gonna do some running around and then cuddle and watch The Polar Express, well at least thats the plan as of now. Emery always has her own idea of how the day will go so we shall see!

Emery is potty trained now, which i love today she actually napped in panties with no accident. She is still going to sleep in diapers because she is still in a crib (till after Christmas) soo she can't exactly wake up and go to the potty.. Plus im not sure shes ready for night times in panties.. im also not sure shes ready for a toddler bed ,okay she's probably ready..but im terrified.. I am so nervous of her getting up and wandering..

I know this blog is all over the place but it's kind of an update of the last week.. So I am loving school as i posted above but i do have to rant for a second about something really irritating me.
So my school is 22,000 and although i got financial aid for a LOT of it, i still had to take out more then half in student loans..which means most of my class mates did as well.. and some of the girls in my class just don't take it seriously they think just because they want to specialize in ONE area of hair wether it be braiding or just styling that they don't need to take anything else serious. and it's well quite frankly pissing me off. We have been learning about the facial muscles and skin for facials and waxing and they just talk over the teacher, don't read the chapter so theres only about 3 of us in the class answering questions and then they show up late or not at all and expect us to give them our notes...Yea not happening..Heres the thing, if you don't want to be here then leave, i don't want you here any more then you want to be here. Plus, you HAVE ot know this stuff to pass state boards..Graduating from school doesn't mean your going to pass your boards or get a job in a salon...so suck it up and learn the material..because honestly i don't want to learn about skin legions at all either buttt..we have to so yea read the chapter please and stop relying on me to answer all the questions. We have to keep up an 80% average of attendance or we get terminated from school and the one girl in my class has missed almost every saturday the 9 weeks shes been in plus at least 1 day a week..How she is still there i have no idea i am just WAITING for her to get booted...So here is my creed to myself.

I am going to strive to do my absolute best in class, i will maintain at least a 90% attendance rate, I will get at least 90% on Every rubric and test, I will not let the warmth of my bed keep me home on saturday mornings when sleeping in seems much better then sitting in class all day on a saturday. and last.. I will , Yes i WILL graduate ON TIME and pass my state boards the FIRST time i do it! ..

I wrote that in my school binder on the first page and everday before class i re read it to myself.. These are my goals...and although at times they may seem hard to obtain, i know me and when i want something i go after it with everything i have..

With that being said...I need to study about skin legions and get some rest!! Goodnight world.

Christmas Traditions.

My family has so many Christmas Traditions all of which i love, as a child i didn't love all of them but now i long for them and since this is my first Christmas back home in 4 years i am excited for them.

1st tradition- Santa Claus pictures, it didn't matter how old you were, you were getting on santas lap for a picture..I think once i hit about 10 i DESPISED THIS, i would always try to find a way out of sitting on some creepy dude at the malls lap all for a picture my mom could put up for everyone to laugh at when they walked in.. but there was no escaping it as i got older i said screw it and gave in.. Then when i moved to cali and had Emmie my sister came to visit and it happend to be right before Christmas and we were joking about how it was the first year we both lived away and mom couldn't force us into sitting on santas lap...so you know what we did.. We drove to the mall in Oceanside and willingly sat on santas lap for a picture...we got back to my apt and instantly scanned the picture and emailed it to our parents... My mom was so happy she cried and it made me realize i actually kind of loved that tradition..Now i do it with Emmie and every year at Christmas my mom puts up huge collages of our santa pictures from over the years, Emery was getting a huge kick out of seeing me as a baby and toddler.. and i get a kick out of it too..

2nd Tradition (this one is gone sadly) - Picking out our live tree, Driving to the lot in our winter coats and snow boots was always so fun then we would pick out the perfect tree, i remember us kids would run to one we thought was perfect but Dad always got the final say..One year he was so excited about a tree and it was about  8 inches to tall and we had to cut the top off when we got it home, and then it looked like a Christmas Shrub. We would get the tree home and it would feel the whole house with the most delicious smell and we would blast Christmas music and decorate the tree. We had this angel treetopper "the ugly angel" it was this hideous angel my parents found in the attic of our house when they first moved in back in 1985 for a long time the angel wasn't hideous but over the years it didn't age well and us kids decided to give it a makeover and cut its hair making it only uglier..For years my mom tried to throw it out and we rallied around our ugly angel and put her up...One year my mom hid the ugly angel and brought home a new pretty porcelain one.. My brother sister and I took it upon ourselves to take it hostage until ugly angel was brought back....When we woke up one morning to find ugly angel back on the tree we smashed in pretty new porcelain angels face and delivered it back to my mom... okay not very nice but histerical.. Ugly angel was finally booted from the tree about 5 years ago and wrapped up and given for Christmas to my brother and his wife who still Proudly display ugly angel. The live tree disappeared when all of us had finally moved out, my dad had finally gotten sick of vaccumming up pine needles well into the summer months and they broke down and bought an artificial one..although its beautiful and i love it, its not the same.

Tradition 3-Christmas eve pajamas, Everyone got to open one gift on Christmas eve and it is always pajamas, the whole family gathers, all my siblings there spouses all the kids into my parents living room and we ALL get pj's... I loved it and i still do and all of us have continued it with our own children. Our pj's are always themed around who we are as individuals but they all sort of match..one year all the girls young and old got footie pajamas, another year we all got gorgeous chenille bath robes .. This year all the guys are getting sports related pj's  (spoiler alert) lol.. We all hang out in our pj's and talk , drink egg nog and listen to christmas carols until everyones ready for bed.

Tradition 4- Themed wrapping paper.. My parents were always great about keeping the wrapping paper that was from Santa hidden and on Christmas we would all wake up to a stack of gifts in our own wrapping paper with our stockings placed neatly on the stack ...I always loved seeing what them my wrapping paper was going to be..One year it was pretty silver stars, another care bears... This year Emerys is hello kitty since her stocking is also.

Tradition 5- Stockings filled with fruit..Ah yes, our stocking always has 1 apple 1 orange and a banana in it...luckily my parents were smart and set a large bowl on the table for us to dump our unwanted fruit into haha. But our stockings always have other stuff, chocolate, candy, for the girls make up , panties and hair stuff and sometimes jewlry.

Tradition 6- Heading to grandmas..after opening all our gifts and playing for a while we all loaded up and went to grandparents house to start cooking. My grandparents have this gorgeous house with an amazing back yard with acres of land and a HUGEEEEEEEEE POND. In the family room is this amazing open bay window that looks over the back yard and pond and in the winter the snow magically transforms it into this almost perfect winter scene.. With the Christmas tree off to the side of the window it looks like something out of a movie...it still amazes me. All of us would bring our favorite new gift and gloat about it to our cousins, we would all hang out watch Charlie browns christmas and talk until dinner was ready after that we would open our presents from our grandparents and aunts and uncles.

Traditions have slightly changed as our family has grown but it's still just as amazing, i almost feel like a kid again being back home..our christmas eve pajamas are already in gift bags under my parents tree and i want to peek to know what mine our going to look like and everytime i walk into my parents room i want to peak into their closet and see what they have gotten for stocking stuffers and for the kids ...I think Christmas is the one time we really feel like kids again. I am really excited since i am also "Santa" . This is the first time Emery is really understanding the whole Christmas and Santa thing..okay well she doesn't understand the true meaning behind Christmas, ive tried to explain but she hears one thing.. Presents, but shes only 3 , she has a lot of time to learn and i will do my best to help her  understand. I really can't wait for her to rip into her presents and see what "Santa" has brought, although part of me is sad that she won't know its from me...Is that wrong.. i dont know but either way i am excited for her and excited for Christmas.

First Day and other stuff.

Today was my first day of Cosmetology school, i was pretty excited and nervous among a few other emotions..Of course its been pouring rain for the past few days, soo on my way to school everyone on the freeway is doing 40 miles an hour..and im watching my gps arrival time get farther and farther from the time im supposed to be there.. Luckily I ended up getting there only a few minutes late but, theres only 3 people in my part time class and i wasn't the last one in , and our teacher was caught up with other tasks so it didn't matter!!  So i get to school and im shocked to see only 3 people including myself in my class, but thats pretty awesome, in our workshop theres only 8 total soo plenty of one on one time! Opening my kit was probably the best part it was seriously like Christmas.. I'll post pictures of everything in my next blog, but yea, lots of amazing stuff!! plus 5 creepy manequin heads (yuck) I have to keep them in my room since our lockers at school are nowhere near large enough and we never need all 5 at once..so now i have 5 creepy mannequin heads stuffed under my desk..Im praying they don't come to life while i sleep (If you know me well, you know my absolute fear of dolls)
Each start date has a different unit they start with first and mine happens to be...........SKIN which means makeup, waxing, facials and more ....WOO HOO!!! I couldn't be more excited makeup is my favorite thing in the world and what i want to do more then anything! ..
Workshop is going to be long and kind of boring but i just keep thinking 14 weeks and i'll be on the preformance floor putting my techniques to work..and in just a little over a year i'll be doing what i love and getting paid for it!!
My educators seem amazing besides the fact that they work as educators at my school most of them also work in a salon part time,  which makes me happy because i know they are staying up with current trends and im learning techniques to set me up for success.
Only downside of school is im part time and part time means nights, this is nice since i don't have to put emmie in day care thanks to my family but also sucks because it means , reheating up meals in the microwave, missing family time and some of my favorite shows and of course tucking my little munchkin in.. but tonight that wasn't an issue. I came home and miss Emmie was still wide awake, she has had a touch of the flu or maybe something else I'm not sure but lets just say...Emmie has destroyed a couple pairs of panties...yuck..i've seriously never seen so much liquid poop in my life... she can't even control it.
Emmie did not want to go to sleep she was having a seriously tough time tonight, and i had homework to do...Ooh the joys of  learning about bacteria, sterilization and pathogens...ew. So i brought Emery upstairs with me and she colored in my bed while i did homework...or attempted. She is finally asleep but it took a good long while poor girl. I hope she feels better soon.
Now its time for bed for this mommy, I work tomorrow and literally leave work for school...I have to keep telling myself..
This is Worth it, Your doing this for Emery and yourself...You can do it..just  breathe.

Oh the leap pad...

First let me start off this post by saying, on thanksgiving at my grandmas i was going through flyers, and i saw this AMAZING toy posted almost everywhere, called the LeapPad , made by leap frog this thing is basically a childs ipad/tablet it has a camera and video camera on the back and is all touch screen with a stylus, tons of books with games for learning and art/drawing programs. Seriously i could go on and on, youtube/google it, it's pretty amazing. I knew instantly after looking at it online and reading that it was the PERFECT gift for Emery who is Obsessed (putting it lightly) with my dads Ipad.. Well like all hot toys, Everywhere was sold out , every walmart, target, kmart, sears, toys r us..Sold out..I checked the whole state of ohio as well as a few other states... and Online SOLD OUT even the Leapfrog website was out of stock...I started to panic when i saw on amazon and ebay these toys going for 2 and 3x the retail price which is $99 ..People were profiting about a 120 bucks on these things!! RIDICULOUS!! I almost gave up but i was determined since i already bought a Tangled cartridge for it. . I signed up for sites that alerted you via email/text when a website had them in stock...But the minute i got it in my cart online...GONE.. Then came craigslist..Ooohhh craigslist.
I found someone about 40 miles south of me who had 3 pink ones listed at 180 a piece, i emailed him to see and he told me he had put them up on ebay but would take one down for me...after emailing back and fourth he told me he would sell me 1 pink Leappad with 2 $20 app cards for 160 so basically only a 20 dollar markup...We agreed to meet today.. We met at the mall and i paid him and as we were talking about how crazy it was people were sellling them for so much he started talking about his children and it was a great conversation. I went to leave and he pulls a 20 out of his pocket and hands it to me and says..I don't need a profit, lets call it equal,  Merry Christmas... I was in total shock, he was absolutely generous and did NOT need to do that considering he drove 30 min out of the way to meet me.. I hugged him and teared up. I don't think he will ever really know just how much that meant to me. It proved to me that there are still generous kind people in this world...I really needed this today. After a few more little things i got today Emery is done for Christmas. I am truly one happy mommy and all thanks to a stranger i found on craigslist, who will never completely understand just how thankful i truly am.

Some BIG changes.

Some big things are happening, On monday i start Cosmetology school, something i have wanted to do for YEARS. Ever since i started working at a salon in California back in 08 i realized i had a huge love for it, I actually enrolled in school and was set to start and then found out i was pregnant with Emery and with their absence policy i backed out before my start date. Then i stayed home with Emery and that was the most important thing. Now i am divorced and I need to provide for Emery. right now i am getting by with mostly support of my parents, but for one that is not who i am and two i feel it is important for Emery to know that even though i had her young i still achieved my goals. I am excited about starting school and also nervous, because now i will not be spending as much one on one time with  Emery because i will also be working, but i know this is whats best for us. No matter where i end up living in the long run i have to prove that I can provide for Emery and myself.  I just hope i don't end up messing everything else up..

Other things in the works, some youtube covers :-) , Our Country band is on a hiatus as of right now for winter, hoping to be back up and playing gigs in the spring, but my guitarist Art and myself will be doing some covers and getting them on youtube and also putting together a new demo of our band and getting it out to our favorite spots before spring!  Art has his guitar parts and the bass parts all recorded so all thats left is to layer in my vocals and my dads drums and VOILA! I am very excited about this, singing is a HUGE part of my life. When im upset , happy, anxious...well honestly any emotion you will here me belting out a tune somehwere around the house.. My parents say this is how they know im home most of the time..Because i'll be doing my makeup in the bathroom with Emmie by my side and were both singing loudly. I have to say I love the fact that my dad and i are in a band, I have always loved my dads passion for music and he has taught me well and also encouraged me every step of the way. The best thing is, when im nervous on stage, i just take a glance back at my dad behind the drums and he gives me that smile, the smile that says "It's alright baby girl, give it everything you got!" and my fears melt away. Plus having my dad on stage with me gives me that feeling of safety, i know no one is going to mess with me with my whole crew of "seasoned" musicians behind me..

I may come off as a very confident person, on and off stage, but the truth is, i am most certaintly not. I have so many fears, especailly right now. I am fearful of disappointing Emery (something im sure nearly every mother things at some point) , I am so very fearful of losing people in my life that mean the most.. I guess it doesnt help that i have horrible anxiety..i hide it well , but the people that know me best know when i am at my worst..

And with that being said..It's time to sleep.. and hopefully stay asleep..
Goodnight world!

yea..

pretty much...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT1-sitWRtY&ob=av2e

Thanksgiving!

This year has been an absolutely crazy one for me and it has made me very thankful.
I am thankful for my amazing family , although we drive eachother nuts most of the time, they have supported me through so much.
I am Thankful for friends, true friends, not the ones who call once a year on your birthday and pretend that they give a hoot, but my real honest to goodness friends who can tell im down or upset by the way i word a text message and instantly call me to see whats going on and do anything to cheer me up, the friends that would rather hang out with me and Emery then complain about how i "can't ever go out and do stuff" The friends who opened there house, fridge and wallet for me and Emery when we we needed it the most.
I am thankful for God, although my faith has waiverd a bit the past year, He has always been there for me picking me up when i need it and helping to remind me that things could be much worse.
I am thankful for Emery without her i would be a mess, I am thankful for her health and happiness and the fact that she can put a smile on my face no matter what.
I am thankful for Love, a love that always finds away and never falters , a love that is hard but worth it every single day.
I am thankful for my parents (i know i said family but they deserve there own shout out) My parents have done soooo much for me i can't even express it..They put a roof over me and emmie, there love and support has never waivered even when they don't quite agree with my choices. I can't imagine how it was to going from having an empty nest and 2 mouths to feed to having their adult child and toddler back with them and now 4 mouths to feed and having to give up their vehicles when i need it. I am so very lucky.

now a different list

I am thankful for my cellphone , for keeping me close to the ones i love that don't live near me and for late night calls and texts that keep me smiling for days.
I am thankful for books for keeping me occupied for hours when i don't want to think to hard about anything.
I am thankful for caffeine because most mornings i wouldn't be able to move if it wasn't for a redbull.


I am thankful to live in America I am thankful for those who serve and have served to allow me to keep my freedoms even if it means they lose most of theirs.
I try to remember all the things i am thankful for on more then just Thanksgiving, but sometimes we lose sight of what is truly important and get so caught up in our own lives that we don't see just how great we really do have it.

So to everyone. Happy Thanksgiving.. Now let the fighting over the wishbone commence!

2 things...

1. As of today, I am officially Divorced!!!

2. Potty training is going absolutely amazing, Emmie had 1 accident this morning while she was being babysat. But that was it, Today was J's birthday so he got to have Emmie for the day and he told me she did great with him and had no accidents and when she came home same thing. She even asked me to get out of the bath tub because she had to pee!! Yay, i am so happy this is going so well!

I may have another post later but right now emmie is in bed and i need to relax..today was a bit crazy.

Potty Training!

Today was Emerys first real day of potty training, last night she went pee on the potty for truly the first time and i promised her her princess tv for Christmas, if she kept going pee pee on the potty!! YES apparently the princess tv was the key. Today i had to work so first thing in the morning i changed emmie out of her pj's and into  panties and she went..Then we left for my sisters where emmie stays most mornings that i work (quick OMG i am soooo thankful for my sister) When we left i debated putting her in a diaper because honestly the thought of tearing her carseat apart to wash the cover did NOT seem appealing (graco myride 65) that things a beast.. But i went against my judgement and i didn't want Emery to think i didn't trust her soooo i got her dressed in jeans with her panties, its only a 10 min drive but it was successful nooo accidents.. When i got to my sisters to pick her up after work my sister said Emmie didn't go pee on the potty but she changed her into a diaper for nap time and the diaper was wet.. On the drive home from my sisters Emmie was in her panties and had a tiny accident, luckily it didn't soak through to the car seat (love training pants) I could tell Emmie was slightly embarassed but honestly i think she was just scared to not get her princess tv. I told her that it was totally okay and that accidents happen we just need to make sure we tell mommy next time we need to go pee before we drive. As soon as we got in okay well maybe not right away but when we got home i changed her (i wanted her to feel wet for a little while and realize its not comfortable) so after a few minutes i changed her into new panties and she went pee on the potty and then did 3 more times. Then we went out to dinner with my parents, are fast grab dinner changed to a sit down dinner when we realized are favorite "Hot dog diner" closed at 7 so we had to go someplace else..Honestly i was scared..Emery was in panties and jeans and all i could think was there was NO WAY she was not going to have an accident, we were at a restaurant without a potty chair...but alas like usual the princess amazes me , we went to the potty twice and she tried really hard but just couldn't go. So no accidents! Once we got home she went again on the potty then i changed her into a diaper and pj's and off to bed she went...Before she went to sleep she grabbed me hugged me and kissed me and said Mommy i love my panties !! which made me giggle and smile.. So our first 24 hours was a total success.. Lets hope this pattern continues..Because honestly i was going to wait till after the holidays, but if she is ready then i am MORE then ready .....
For the record. Emery will be getting her princess tv wether or not she potty trains, but it is nice to have some sort of incentive.

2 stories, so similiar and yet so different..

Some of you may know some may not, but, both my sister and I had premature babies, Emery was born at 29 weeks on Oct 30th 08 and Colten was born at 27 weeks on Dec 7th 09 just a little over a year apart.. Our stories are scary similiar and yet so different and thousands of miles away my sister and i shared a bond that no one could possibly understand. My sister and i have always been best friends...but tonight for the first time my sister and i compared and told our stories to eachother in full detail..the days leading up to birth and that crazy day , the day you realize ..I am having a baby, a premature baby...today. My sister recalls when she called me after hearing from my mom that i was in labor, she says i was in shock..i sounded so happy and not scared at all and not at all like myself..she describes me as being just completely out of it. She was crying to me and i remember that, i don't remember talking to her, but i remember being happy because i was scared, terrified that my family could sense my anguish and i knew there was nothing they could do they were thousands of miles away and couldn't be there in time.. My sister recalls coming to visit when Emery was in the nicu and felt horrible that she didn't go to the Nicu with us everytime ..she didn't then, because she didn't realize what i was feeling until she did too..
She cried and hugged me and said, i should have gone everytime.. I explained that it was alright, no one could ever know the emotions i was feeling..it's one of those things you really just can't understand till you in those shoes....

So me and my sister decided...we are going to write a book and try to get it published.. There are barely any stories about premature babies and not really any first hand stories.  So starting next week Teej and i will be writing out our stories starting with our pregnancies...the bedrest, the labor (1 vaginal and 1 c section) and the nicu stays emerys was 2 months and coltens was 4..  Maybe we can help people understand premature birth in a different way .. I don't care if our book is never published, but i hope that for sure one day Emery and Colten will read it and understand exactly why we believe they are our heroes.

Controversial subject..The Duggars

I will start by saying, 19 kids is A LOT, for anyone and in fact, i can't even fathom having that many children nor would i ever even think of having more then 5..honestly the thought of having more then 2 scares the daylights out of me.. Emery is an only child as of now..but i don't know what the future holds, so i will NOT rule out having more..
With that being said, The Duggars announced that they are pregnant with their 20th child this month.. I honestly have no problem with it, and why should I. Yes it is not something i would do but their children are raised in a Christian enviornment with extremely high values and morals and they appear to all be greatly loved and cared for and just amazing people.  No one has the right to tell anyone how many children they can and can not have. Now if they were living off welfare, couldn't pay their bills and the children were going without, i would agree with most of the population by saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. But they are not, in fact, they have NO debt. How many people do you know have no debt..I doubt even one.
Here is my problem, When people say they Duggars, shouldn't have any more children it isn't because the ammount or even their ages..Their main argument is, "They almost lost their last baby" .. By that logic, should any parent of a child who was born prematurely just NOT have any more children. I refuse to agree with this, 1 in 8 babies born in the US will be born premature.. (Before 37 weeks gestation is considered premature/preterm)  So since Emery was born 11 weeks early at just 29 weeks and had her fair share of issues in the Nicu, should i just be told by every doctor that i shouldn't have any more children. No, i was 19 and perfectly healthy when i had Emery premature and i do not believe that this should hinder my deciscion on future children. Yes, i know i will be high risk next time, i also know there is a pretty high chance my next child will be born premature as well and it is a scary thought. Emery is a healthy 3 year old and even with some lingering things that have followed us from the Nicu (respitory infections and digestion issues) the good outweighs the bad by 100% . So the argument that since their last was premature they shouldn't have another disgusts me. I understand that she had preeclampsia which led to their premature birth but even still...Read up on it, it doesn't happen with every child.. Some women will suffer from it with one pregnancy and not have it at all with the next. Yes i also understand she is older, so her chances go up for down syndrome and other chromosonal defects.. but still.. My whole point is, This is their choice, we have no right to say they shouldn't they know the risks.. So to the Duggars who i know will never read my blog and honestly probably don't care at all what people say, I say Congratulations.

P.s, i never spell check my writing, i write exactly what im feeling, if there is a comma in the wrong spot..oh well.. Precisely Paula means exactly that...

Warm November day = photo shoot with emmie

The joke about Cleveland is, if you don't like the weather wait 5 minutes...This is so true.
Today was a gorgeous November day, it was probably a good 65 degrees maybe warmer, honestly i didn't check, but it was very windy. I knew that Emmie and i would absolutely have to venture outside and enjoy it as much as we could considering very shortly the two of us will be stuck in by the snow.. Although i can't wait to enjoy winter activities with Emmie! .. So today we went outside and played and i grabbed the camera and snapped some absolutely amazing shots of  Emmiesaurus.. It was only about 4 pm but the clouds were so dark it looks like the sun has set already..I'm thankful i got the pictures when i did because just 20 min after we went inside, it started storming and the whole state was under a tornado watch.. Don't worry we would have been safe, we would have went to the Cleveland Browns Stadium..where there hasn't ever been a touchdown .. ;-) (no i didn't create that, but i saw it and laughed so hard i knew i had to post it)
Here are some pictures from are warm November day!

beautiful girl

wind was blowing her hair

she was dancing to "calling all the monsters"

she has my personality for sure

runnnn

love this

she wanted me to take a picture of her shoes.

i had to beg her not to eat this plant...she didn't listen..

That smile of hers can brighten up even the most terrible day, she doesn't know it and she will probably never understand, but she is my Hero.

Emerys 3rd birthday party, plus more..

So i know it's a little late, well about 2 weeks, but here are the pictures from Emmies party!

As i said before J and i were able to throw a conjoined party for Emmie and we got along, so it was a great success!

Emery's cupcakes and rapunzel doll centerpiece made by her auntie

Princess in the leaves!

Emery and her dad.

poking my nose...

My princess, the love of my life.

Her party was great and she was absolutely spoiled, as usual.. but now that she is 3 i am going to recap just a bit from 3 years earlier...

When Emmie came into this world she did it with a dramatic fashion, totally her style.. and on her own terms.
I went to the hospital on Oct 25th because i was having contractions and they were coming exactly 15 minutes apart, odd since braxton hicks are supposed to be sporatic and i was only 29 weeks..
They checked me and hooked me up to the monitors, i was 1cm but after an hour nothing changed so they sent me home. They said to call if i had anymore symptoms..but that some women are 1cm up until they give birth..
I went home and the next day was worse, i was in my college math class and the contractions were worse..I ignored it figuring the doctors were right and this was normal...(ah, if i had known) Tuesday rolled around and i went to work on my feet in a salon for 8 hours..the contractions were now about 7 min apart..and i had some other symptoms so i called labor and delivery and explained, the nurse on the other line said i was experencing braxton hicks contractions, i needed to relax and was told DO NOT come in unless your water breaks or you start bleeding.... So off to bed i went. Wednesday was worse, by far, i went off to my math class and barely made it through the hour and a half..and after the 15 min drive home..i was ready to cry..So i came home and napped.. Then that night when i went to bed, i didn't sleep i was tossing and turning all night, the contractions were about 3 min apart..and by the time one finished the next one was starting, i took 3 baths (hoping it would help) i had a heating pad on my back , basically i tried everything.. When J woke up in the morning he had realized i didn't sleep and told me we were going in to the hospital , i argued saying i was being a hypocondriac and that they were just going to send me home again...Then i had the sudden urge to pee so ran into the bathroom...there was blood, not alot but enough for me to say get your shit were going now... I didn't bring a thing with me..just my purse with my ID, thankfully my camera was in my purse!
When we got to labor and delivery it was about 7:30 in the morning, they put me in a room and went to check me... The doctor didn't even get the speculum in when she looked up and said..Your 7 cm ...your in labor..and started paging people... Next thing i know there is about 10 people in my tiny room, im getting an iv in my hand, stabbed in the other arm with a steroid shot and a catheter...

I was then wisked away to another MUCH BIGGER room. They told me they thought they could get me to hold off for another 24 hours so i could get another steroid shot, and they started me on an IV of magnesium to stop my contractions..Thats when we realized Emery was coming..We started calling family and friends.. They tried to sound excited but the truth was they were just as fearful as us..My mom and dad asked the tough questions, "how big is she going to be?" "Whats the survival rate of a 29 weeker?".... Survival rate, wait what.. the fear sunk in but i was in so much pain and the magnesium was making me feel lightheaded hot and sicker then ive ever felt before..When we asked the dr how big they thought she was, she responded..were thinking shes close to 3lbs..but her lungs are not mature enough to breathe on their own hence the steroid shot for her lungs.. I was scared but while talking to family i put on a smile and pretended that everything was going to be just fine.. but the truth was i was thousands of miles from everyone i cared about and i was scared to death.. I was scared that my body had failed the child i was meant to protect.
After a few hours on mag i was checked again, and they realized.. Emery was on her way and now i was 9cm. A team of doctors flew in for Emery the hospital i was at had no nicu, i had a team of 4 doctors emmie had 3 pediatricians in the room, plus the flight crew, a midwife and about 20 nursing student.. Yea...awkward but at that point i didn't care and Emery was born..I heard a tiny cry and the doctors say 1 minute of life, 2 minutes of life, 3 minutes of life..and she was wisked away... She was lifeflighted to another hospital and i couldn't leave to go there till the next day... Here are some pictures from the most terrifying yet exciting day of my life..

First time i saw emmie, shes in her isolette with her flight team, ready to take off.

In her isolette..so little 3lbs 12oz

1 week after she was born, after a bath, so adorable.

She spent a grand total of 2 months in the nicu...I remember how slow it seemed to go by but looking back now i barely remember it.. I am so thankful for the team who delivered her but even more so for her Nicu team of nurses.. They cherished and loved Emery as if she was their own child. I'm so very thankful for my little miracle.

court..

J and i had our court date to be divorced on 10/28, 2 days before our daughters 3rd birthday...awkward.

I have said this before and i will say it again.. I am that 1%...If it can go wrong, it will go wrong...
Jokingly , the night before court i say to my mom.. Should i call  my lawyer and make sure he's coming tomorrow, she laughs and says "no paula, he's your lawyer he will be there!" to which i say, well i sure hope so...

So i am sure you can guess who didn't show up to our divorce...yep , my lawyer...awesome, he never got the notice from the court. I did, J did, our judge did...but my lawyer...nope didn't get it.. I can't be mad i jinxed myself...even though i knocked on wood ..stupid superstitions

J and i were civil , and 2 days later we had a conjoined birthday party for Emery and it went GREAT! Better then i expected, Emery was spoiled rotten...my next blog post will be about her party with some pictures of course!!

But for now our court date is rescheduled for 11-22, J's birthday .. yea.. just my luck.

Starting Over, back in my hometown...

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned, and instead of dwelling in the past we pick up the pieces and move forward...

If you had asked me when i was 18 what the next 5 years would hold for me, I could have never guessed, that this was how it would be. So, I'll summing up the past few years as short as i can.
Married at 18, moved across the country, got pregnant at 19, had my beautiful daughter at 29 weeks at 19, Divorced at 22... Yes that's me. I am that woman you stare at in the grocery store with my daughter while you try to decipher, just how old I am, how old i was when i had my daughter and that since there isn't a ring on my finger I must be a teen unwed parent. 

I'm starting over, and not just with a new blog, a new hair color and in a new place,this isn't a new chapter,
This is a whole new book.

My name is Paula, and this is my new blog Precisely Paula, this blog will be real and raw and about many different things. Enjoy!