what do toddlers do at 11pm at night?

Well mine doesn't sleep... Lately at least. Tonight was pretty entertaining though..I laid Emery down for bed at around 8, i heard her up at 9:30 so i went in there, she had went potty and was complaining that she was hungry. So i brought her out for a snack then laid her back down..She was quiet for a while so i was catching up on my dvr'd shows. Then all of a sudden i hear stomping in her room and her babbling..so i peek around the corner and see her light on..So of course i walk in..and this is what i found...

she destroyed her room..almost every item of clothing was on the ground so were toys and bits of paper...How she managed to be this destructive and so quiet i have NO IDEA.. but i couldn't even be upset...i mean look at that face...Oh did i mention she changed herself out of her pj's into THAT outfit, headband, plastic heels and all.. Definitely can not be mad.. I convinced her to get back in bed..and after about 5 minutes she was passed out. She is seriously amazing..

On to other things, There is alot of great things about being in cosmetology school but the best would be how amazing change is, you can seriously make people look years younger, or even older and also accentuate features or diminish them just by cutting or coloring someones hair!.. And i love change when it comes to hair and fashion..I hate looking the same all the time..So i was searching for some inspiration and came across this picture of this girl with this deep violet hair...and i new i had to have it..So i did it today..it came out great however in regular light it just looks black but in sunlight it looks a gorgeous deep violet color..I took some pictures with my new phone and some of them came out pretty cool..Dark hair really makes my green eyes pop...so here they are!

I am very happy with the results..its so much fun to change your haircolor.

Then i took a silly classic duck face picture and lemme say..the duck face isn't flattering on me..but hey my eyes look pretty sweet.

oh man haha

on that note, im off to sleep!

In 12 days.....

In 12 days..Just 12 days i get to see ....................
My boyfriend! 

Words can not describe how excited i am, he has never been to Ohio so it will be fun, plus we live two completely different lifestyles....Im excited for him to finally meet my family after a year and a half and see where i grew up. And i am so excited for Emmie to see him. She asks about him alot and i know she loves and missed him..She hasn't seen him since last may and she has definitely changed a WHOLE lot so i can't wait to see how he reacts to her.  This isn't exactly a surprise to me that he is coming, we have been talking about it since i was last there in November, but we didn't know exactly when...we played around with a few ideas but the other night he emailed me the itenerary..i about peed myself... then started screaming with excitement... No, im not exagerating i literally screamed.  I turn 23 in a week and i could care less about that day..because my present comes on the 7th that is the best birthday present i could EVER ask for!!
I was really hoping to add a few cute pictures of us to this post...but I have a new phone and they were all on my old one which i haven't hooked up to my comp to take them off yet...So OH well.. I'll post some great ones after his visit..
and until then i will just keep myself busy with Emmie and school and try to contain my excitement..
ahh who am i kidding that's not possible!! Ah I love him, i am pretty lucky to have such a great guy. He knows just how to make me smile .
on that note.. Goodnight!

some news

2 weeks ago i put my 2 weeks notice in at davids for MANY reasons, The main reason being my unhapiness there.. I was being treated terribly there, I did go to HR and once i did my schedule went from about 30 hours a week magically down to 7 ... Supposedly for "No reason at all" .. So i talked to my family and friends and everyone agreed..time to go. I am honestly SO happy with my deciscion my anxiety has been not so bad and im getting more time with Emery. I know im going to have to find another job but im gonna give myself a week or 2 to just hang with my princess!..
In other news last sunday i did a wedding me and my friend from school dd the bridesmaids hair. It came out fabulously and i was really proud of myself It was a huge boost in confidence and really reassured me that i am in the right field.  So here are some pictures.. I didn't take as many as i would have liked and i forgot to take them after we put flowers in everyones hair but even still it looks good.

 Those were 2 of the 3 i did and i only got one girl with the flowers in.. But i gotta say it was so much fun and i made 30 dollars an hour.. Not bad for 3 hours work.


Can't wait to be doing this for a living!

croup...again

I have been sick the last few days...like can't move can't breathe sick and of course Emery got it too.... however every time Emmie gets sick it turns into something worse... Last night Emery started coughing....and i instantly heard the barking seal sound....So even though it was 2 am i shoved Emery into the car and took her into the ER....The doctor confirmed what i already knew...croup..so a steroid shot and breathing treatment later we were able to go home.. However, this isn't the first time Emmie has had croup..In fact..It's the third..She had it the first time 3 weeks after coming home from the Nicu..Then again last year when i was home visiting for my valentines day and my birthday..and again now. It really is one of the scariest sounds in the world... but she seems better now..soo ill just keep watching her for the next few days and hope she gets better...off to sleep.

15 things i want Emery to remember as she grows up

So i kind of stole this idea from another mommy blogger but i thought it was amazing.
Although Emery is only 3 i see her adult mind forming right in front of me...and there are somethings i never want her to forget...

Dear Emery,
All though you are only 3 years old, you amaze me everyday, you hold adult conversations with me, you know just how to make me smile when i'm down..Sometimes i think you know  I am down even if  am not showing it...maybe you really do. Your personality amazes me, your alot like me in so many ways outgoing and outspoken...you never hold back.. For all these reasons and more..I love and adore you and here are somethings i hope you will remember,

1. I hope you never lose you willingness to try new things...wether it be making silly faces to make someone laugh or putting bright orange lipstick on.  (orange really isn't your color, but you still looked adorable)

2. I hope you still reach out for me when you need me, wether it's because a boy broke your heart, or you did something embarassing...I know even when your in your 20's I will still want to feel needed by you.

3. I hope you never lose your imagination....someday you might want it to escape to paradise in your head when your own children are driving you nuts... or a boss is treating you terribly..

4. I hope you never let someone manipulate you...You are the boss of you knowbody else is...well i am till your 18...but no one else should be ;-) ...

5. I hope you always smile over the little things... sometimes the little things are what keeps us going...and your smile is one of the things i will never take for granted.

6. I hope you sing loudly and dance whenever you want... Even if it is off key..although i know you and it won't be...i hear you sing in my car everyday and your always in tune it amazes me and makes me smile....Until i realize that you just sung a cuss word...I really need to monitor my radio station choices while your in the car....

7. I hope you never lose your curiosity.. even though sometmes your constant "what's that?" and "that?" drive me batty...i secretly think about all the questions you asked me at the end of everynight and smile over how friggin cute you are.

8. I hope you always give out compliments like you do now... honestly hearing you say "Mommy your beautiful" is usually the highlight of my day, because i know its genuine...I hope that as you grow older you can always give a compliment over an insult...

9. With that last one being said..I still hope you never lose your outspokeness, this is a traight you got straight from me and one im quite proud of...although i know one day it will get you into trouble...sometimes you just need to say what your thinking and dont hold back....

10. I hope you always fear bugs...okay this one is partially for me...mostly because i never want you to come home with a pet that you have to feed crickets or meal worms to. ... Ew please dont.

11. I hope you always enjoy what you see when you look in the mirror...Everyday after you get dressed you go look in the mirror at yourself and say "mommy i cute" ..and i always reply..yes Emery your beautiful...you truly are.. I hope as you grow older everytime you look in the mirror you can say "I am beautiful" because in this day and age as women we strive to look a certain way...but no matter what beauty is also who you are on the inside and i have no doubt that you will always be a beautiful person.

12. I hope you always Thank God for the blessings and turn to Him when you need him... I know that you haven't been to Church in a long tme...(something i should be smacking myself for) but i hope that as you grow you can develop your own love in God..I will not push it on you, i want you to have faith...I don't want faith to be pushed upon you...

13. I hope you never fear life...Speaking from experience, life just doesn't go as planned...so just don't get upset when something doesn't go exactly how you want...everything works out...

14. I hope you will always leave your heart open for love, love is a magical things wether its from friends, family or a lucky man that will one day steal your heart, or women....Depeding on what you so chose. Either way.. Keep yourself open to love.... because it really is an amazing thing.

and lastly

15. I hope you never ever forget what a miracle you are to me. My little 3lb 12oz , 15 inch miracle..You were right then and always will be perfection in my eyes...

I am sure as you grow older this list will grow longer...but for now..it will do..

I love you ms.emmie mae.. you are my world.

love always, Mommy

Anxiety...

So let me start off by saying, i suffer from anxiety. Most people would never ever guess that I have anxiety, I am very outgoing and appear quite confident.. but i do suffer from anxiety and when i say suffer i mean suffer.
Certain days are worse then others.. I have had anxiety most of my life but in my teens it was diagnosed as depression and insomnia so i was on a drug called lexapro for depression and then sleep aids for night time...At the time i had no clue i had anxiety.. When it really came to life was after i had Emery.. I was diagnosed with Social anxiety aka "agoraphobia" now most people think agoraphobia is fear of leaving the house and yes it is but it comes in MANY forms... After i had Emery we had to drive 44 miles to the hospital she was at..and California drivers are terrible...i would start to cry in the car because i was terrified...It only got worse from there on long drives i usually have to take medicine (obviously when I am not the one driving) but that is usually the only way for me to stay calm. Since then my anxiety has gotten worse..Some examples..
I was in line at the bank and there was about 20 other people waiting...as i stood there i just felt like everyone was staring at or talking about me in some way.. My heart started racing and i felt hot and flush and i just booked it out of the bank after already waiting for 20 minutes...I got to my car and felt myself almost pass out..luckily i didn't but afterwards i felt so foolish 

When i have too many people talking to me at once the same thing happens i get so anxious i want to lash out and seriously scream..and i have.

I finally went to the doctor in 2009 and was diagnosed after getting medication things got better the problem is my anxiety isn't all the time but when i have it , it escalades and fast and since depression and anxiety kind of go hand and hand they wanted me to take anti depressants and i am not okay with that , because i am overall a very optimistic happy person.. but i did agree to xanax to control my panic attacks as to not have one of those bank incidents happen again. I only take it when i know i am going to be in a setting where a panic attack is likely to occur. Otherwise it just makes me want to sleep...

But the reason i am posting about this today is because , in the last 2 days my anxiety has been terrible and i had 2 bad moments..one i don't even want to post about but the other was an incident today I was at dinner at my grandmas..there was quite a few of us and Emery was acting up and everyone was eating and asking me to pass this or that and i just wanted to cry..I felt so anxious and sick to my stomach ...but the reaction i get everytime i have a panic attack is the same from everyone.. "Just calm down!!"
Listen, if i could calm down.. i would . I can't control it at all and having absolutely no control over your emotions and bodies natural response is terrifying especially when your a bit of a control freak.. Being as outgoing as i am people have a hard time understanding my anxiety because most people who have it are usually more shy and reserved..but i think my outgoing personality probably stemmed from my anxiety of other people..If i am outgoing and funny i feel like they like me so i feel more comfortable around them and then my anxiety doesn't flare up.
This post isn't to make anyone feel bad for me...I don't need that..I just want people to understand that anxiety is real, its not something anyone can control the only thing you can really do for someone when there having a panic attack is just try to calm them down without saying "calm down" talk to them about the situation why they feel uncomfortable or simply take them away from the situation..thats usually the best thing to do.  Hopefully this gives a little insight , i would go more in depth but it's quite hard to explain the feeling of anxiety....I wish i could , it might make it easier for people to understand..

A nice day off!

So today I had the entire day off... no school no work just time for Emmie and myself.  So refreshing...that never happens...We spent the morning watching cartoons and cuddling then we had a tea party and just played together...sometimes i get lost in the world of her imagination...she will bring me "invisible presents" and i will "unwrap" them and get so excited over it... then i'll ask her what it is and she makes something up. today she gave me some "pink sparkwy earwings"  and then she gave me "a big hooge purple cayon" to do "homewort" with she gave me a couple other pretend gifts but each one she gave me i poured over..and it made her day..which intern made mine.. Her imagination is pretty amazing, i think if i could wander into her imagination it would be full of sparkly, glittery pink and purple things..i imagine big pink fluffy clouds and unicorns... after we played for a while she turned into a totally different Emery I call this alter ego of hers...
"bad news belle" since she often refers to herself as belle... this is when a nap is TOTALLY needed and she goes into meltdowns over everything...So i laid her down for a nap (she never took one) but she at least laid in her bed and relaxed and i got to shower and do a load of laundry....
After her nap we went and got manicures at "sissas" my best friends melissas work.. Unfortunately we didn't get much time with sissa because she got a walk in massage about 10 minutes after we got there but she did have time to give Emmie a mani.. Emmie picked "Barbie pink" now i can't recall if i posted it or not but barbies do not exist in Emerys world....for my own personal reasons i do NOT believe in barbies and i will throw it away if someone buys Emery one...butttt aunt teejay and uncle jo jo gave Emery a pink barbie jeep power wheels a couple of weeks ago and now she knows the term...So Emery got :cringe: Barbie pink nails
And i got a very cool grey gliter shelac..after Emery saw my glitter she wanted it too soo Corey my nail tech gave Emmie and extra coat of  "princess glitter" on her nails.
On the way home Emmie conked out in her car seat..and as i looked in my rearview mirror at her i smiled because it was quite a succesful day... 

And now im on my laptop looking at some wonderful things i wish i could buy...but THIS oh yes THIS will be on my Birthday wish list for sure!!! I have been eyeing these for a while but this is my favorite one and i want it baddddd...

This lovely bracelet is made of shear handles!! I would rock this everyday! This lovely bracelet is available at
http://www.hairscissorspro.net/shop/Scissor-Charm-Bracelets-Cuffs-Purple.html
If you know any hair stylists i can guarantee they want one or already own one.....

Now back to perusing the internet before i pass out...Goodnight!