Anxiety...

So let me start off by saying, i suffer from anxiety. Most people would never ever guess that I have anxiety, I am very outgoing and appear quite confident.. but i do suffer from anxiety and when i say suffer i mean suffer.
Certain days are worse then others.. I have had anxiety most of my life but in my teens it was diagnosed as depression and insomnia so i was on a drug called lexapro for depression and then sleep aids for night time...At the time i had no clue i had anxiety.. When it really came to life was after i had Emery.. I was diagnosed with Social anxiety aka "agoraphobia" now most people think agoraphobia is fear of leaving the house and yes it is but it comes in MANY forms... After i had Emery we had to drive 44 miles to the hospital she was at..and California drivers are terrible...i would start to cry in the car because i was terrified...It only got worse from there on long drives i usually have to take medicine (obviously when I am not the one driving) but that is usually the only way for me to stay calm. Since then my anxiety has gotten worse..Some examples..
I was in line at the bank and there was about 20 other people waiting...as i stood there i just felt like everyone was staring at or talking about me in some way.. My heart started racing and i felt hot and flush and i just booked it out of the bank after already waiting for 20 minutes...I got to my car and felt myself almost pass out..luckily i didn't but afterwards i felt so foolish 

When i have too many people talking to me at once the same thing happens i get so anxious i want to lash out and seriously scream..and i have.

I finally went to the doctor in 2009 and was diagnosed after getting medication things got better the problem is my anxiety isn't all the time but when i have it , it escalades and fast and since depression and anxiety kind of go hand and hand they wanted me to take anti depressants and i am not okay with that , because i am overall a very optimistic happy person.. but i did agree to xanax to control my panic attacks as to not have one of those bank incidents happen again. I only take it when i know i am going to be in a setting where a panic attack is likely to occur. Otherwise it just makes me want to sleep...

But the reason i am posting about this today is because , in the last 2 days my anxiety has been terrible and i had 2 bad moments..one i don't even want to post about but the other was an incident today I was at dinner at my grandmas..there was quite a few of us and Emery was acting up and everyone was eating and asking me to pass this or that and i just wanted to cry..I felt so anxious and sick to my stomach ...but the reaction i get everytime i have a panic attack is the same from everyone.. "Just calm down!!"
Listen, if i could calm down.. i would . I can't control it at all and having absolutely no control over your emotions and bodies natural response is terrifying especially when your a bit of a control freak.. Being as outgoing as i am people have a hard time understanding my anxiety because most people who have it are usually more shy and reserved..but i think my outgoing personality probably stemmed from my anxiety of other people..If i am outgoing and funny i feel like they like me so i feel more comfortable around them and then my anxiety doesn't flare up.
This post isn't to make anyone feel bad for me...I don't need that..I just want people to understand that anxiety is real, its not something anyone can control the only thing you can really do for someone when there having a panic attack is just try to calm them down without saying "calm down" talk to them about the situation why they feel uncomfortable or simply take them away from the situation..thats usually the best thing to do.  Hopefully this gives a little insight , i would go more in depth but it's quite hard to explain the feeling of anxiety....I wish i could , it might make it easier for people to understand..

A nice day off!

So today I had the entire day off... no school no work just time for Emmie and myself.  So refreshing...that never happens...We spent the morning watching cartoons and cuddling then we had a tea party and just played together...sometimes i get lost in the world of her imagination...she will bring me "invisible presents" and i will "unwrap" them and get so excited over it... then i'll ask her what it is and she makes something up. today she gave me some "pink sparkwy earwings"  and then she gave me "a big hooge purple cayon" to do "homewort" with she gave me a couple other pretend gifts but each one she gave me i poured over..and it made her day..which intern made mine.. Her imagination is pretty amazing, i think if i could wander into her imagination it would be full of sparkly, glittery pink and purple things..i imagine big pink fluffy clouds and unicorns... after we played for a while she turned into a totally different Emery I call this alter ego of hers...
"bad news belle" since she often refers to herself as belle... this is when a nap is TOTALLY needed and she goes into meltdowns over everything...So i laid her down for a nap (she never took one) but she at least laid in her bed and relaxed and i got to shower and do a load of laundry....
After her nap we went and got manicures at "sissas" my best friends melissas work.. Unfortunately we didn't get much time with sissa because she got a walk in massage about 10 minutes after we got there but she did have time to give Emmie a mani.. Emmie picked "Barbie pink" now i can't recall if i posted it or not but barbies do not exist in Emerys world....for my own personal reasons i do NOT believe in barbies and i will throw it away if someone buys Emery one...butttt aunt teejay and uncle jo jo gave Emery a pink barbie jeep power wheels a couple of weeks ago and now she knows the term...So Emery got :cringe: Barbie pink nails
And i got a very cool grey gliter shelac..after Emery saw my glitter she wanted it too soo Corey my nail tech gave Emmie and extra coat of  "princess glitter" on her nails.
On the way home Emmie conked out in her car seat..and as i looked in my rearview mirror at her i smiled because it was quite a succesful day... 

And now im on my laptop looking at some wonderful things i wish i could buy...but THIS oh yes THIS will be on my Birthday wish list for sure!!! I have been eyeing these for a while but this is my favorite one and i want it baddddd...

This lovely bracelet is made of shear handles!! I would rock this everyday! This lovely bracelet is available at
http://www.hairscissorspro.net/shop/Scissor-Charm-Bracelets-Cuffs-Purple.html
If you know any hair stylists i can guarantee they want one or already own one.....

Now back to perusing the internet before i pass out...Goodnight!

60 days and counting...

I keep countdowns and count ups on my phones for whatever reason having a number to look at is nice...On my phone i have two different countdowns...The first one says 78 days since......And that one means 78 days since i last saw my love..(i keep alot of my private life..quite private) and since that amount of days makes me want to cry...I'll move on to the next counter...60 days....60 days TILL.........................................
I HIT THE FLOOR!!! yes yes, yours truly will be doing hair in just 60 days...okay i will be supervised by teachers and i wont be making money (well tips) buttt i will be doing what i love and i am pretty stoked about it..March 26th can not come any faster!!  I'll show you a little peak of what to expect!!

rocking my regency apron in the break room!

This picture also proves to me that i have lost ALOT of weight...the scale also tells me but well pictures show more..When i left Cali in may i was close to 145 the biggest i have ever been "not including pregnancy where i got up to 172 haha! but let me tell you i was NOT happy with myself..but working and running around like a mad woman has its perks...I am now down to a hefty 119! and also down 2 cup sizes ...just can't win haha
but i am honestly geniunely happy with my body for the first time in a VERY long time!!  Although my man thinks i could stand to gain back about 10 lbs..oh and never cut my hair this short ever again haha..
So hair is another pic of my new hair ..a better one..and AHH i can't wait for saturday when we color it because man this awesome hair cut needs some amazing color...soo another pic

love it!

Okay so Yes i love my hair...but i will love it a lot more when it grows about 2-3 inches...the back is just a tad to short...

and i got a little off track with this post...so i'll try to get back on course...
So as for my countdowns and countups and such...I have a list of things i am really looking forward to in the next few months...so here they go

-my 23rd birthday !!
-My man coming to visit :crosses fingers crosses fingers:
-hitting the floor!!
-Getting my own car ...ugh this could happen tomorrow and i would be stoked
-The march of dimes walk. Last year we didn't go, and i am excited to get all dressed up in purple with emmie in her ..I was a 29 weeker but look at me now shirt and raise some money for prematurity awareness!
- Getting Emmie into either ballet or soccer for spring!
- andddd Bridal christmas being over....please shoot me, the money is nice but the stress is almost not worth it!

and now i am off to sleep.. I have tomorrow off of school AND work...this is my first FULL day off of both in a while and i am sooooooo excited to spend the entire time doing whatever with ms. emmie...maybe another manicure is an order...i think so!!!

Fun Facts about me.

So tonight i figured, i write alot about Emery, so for once i am gonna change it up a bit and share some things about me. so here are some fun facts

I love sushi, i can eat about 20 rolls in one sitting....and still want more.
I am slightly addicted to pepsi....
I have pretty terrible anxiety, i ran out of a bank once because i thought "everyone" was staring at me....
I take a bubble bath pretty much everynight..it helps me sleep!
I cloth diapered my daughter for about 2.5 years!
I am terrified of the dark...absolutely petrified....
I own maybe 3 or 4 items of clothing that aren't black or grey....I can't seem to buy color..ever
I have 8 nephews and nieces and one more on the way!!! I have been an aunt since i was 4!
My nephew that is 4 years younger, is one of my best friends..we can talk for hours about anything..
I still sleep with a teddy bear...One night i let emery sleep with it...and i had to steal it back..(not proud of that)
I back packed in Europe with my parents for 2 weeks when i was 15...it was amazing.
I have been to 8 different countries including our own..
I have never had stitches or broke a bone...ever.. (knock on wood)
I can't watch a baby story without crying...because i never got that full term healthy baby experience...
When i am seriously upset i talk to myself....it calms me down...
Every job i have ever Interviewed for i have gotten....
I have a big love for willow trees, ever since pochahontas, i would love to be married under one...

Thats about all the fun facts i can think of... im sure there are more though...and hey if you ever want to know something about me just ask..I'll answer pretty much everything!!

change is good...right.

So Emery got her fish yesterday! It was a beatiful 56 degrees and we needed to get out of the house, so we made a stop at petsmart and Emmie picked our a purple beta, okay its more blue then purple but its as close as we could get, Then we picked out a glass tank that has a nice little LED light attached so it's actually a perfect little night light! She picked out the rocks pink and purple of course then we got a pink and purple plant and...of course a castle for the fishies tank!! True princess style. On the way home she named her new fishy "Lilly" although Lilly is a male beta...Oh well haha. So Lilly and her princess tank have a new found home in Emery's princess room..its pretty much a perfect fit. She loves her, after we set everything up Emmie was so excited she just sat on the floor in her room for a good hour staring at her fishy and yelling MOMMY SHE'S GOING IN THE CASTLE..over and over... haha. Oh to be young. She even woke up this morning and said Mommy Lilly needs breakfast! Very cute.. So here is lilly in all of  her...okay "his" Princess splendor.

I am very happy that Emmie loves her new pet!

In other news and the reason for the title of this post is that i did this today...


After!!!



Before.....

As you can see..Big change.. I'm really not meant to have long hair, my hair is far to fine and extremely thick that having it long just means knots galore, and because my hair is so heavy all of my natural curl is gone...Soooo today in school my fellow class mate and my teacher tag teamed my hair..I know the after picutre isn't so great..no makeup and such but i am extremely happy...although a few of my friends and my sister will be upset that i did it. I am happy about it plus as my teacher would say... "There is no crying because of hair" It will grow back...and hey if i start to hate it i can always put extensions in!

finally time to take a breath!!

So the last few weeks have been ABSOLUTELY crazy, we are in the busy season for Bridal aka "Bridal Christmas" and it has been quite NUTS. I have been working 30= hours a week as well as going to school 25 hours a week...so i haven't had much free time... When i do have free time i spend every second of it with Emery. About a week and a half ago we had a mommy daughter manicure day, we headed up to the spa that my best friend melissa is a massage therapist at and Emmie and i got manicures.. She got pink nails with little white flowers on them and i got fuschia glitter shelac..which still looks amazing  as I type! Emery loves being treated like a princess and totally enjoyed it, we also did some shopping, Emmie got a new pair of shoes, a tinkerbelle purse and some hello kitty socks, all picked out by her. Then last week on my day off Emery and i spent the entire morning cuddling on the couch watching beauty and the beast and then we had a tea party that lasted a good 2 hours. .. Thankfully this week i have way less hours 16...trust me i need to have only 16 hours , so i have a couple mornings free just to hang out with miss Emmie before i head off to school!!

Tomorrow Emery and I are going to wake up eat some breakfast and head to Petsmart, because tonight Emery said, Mommy I want a fish, A PURPLE one! Soo I asked her if she would feed it everyday and she said yes mommy! So tomorrow we will get her a purple beta, With some awesome pink and purple rocks and maybe a princess castle in the bowl..who knows! But i am excited to watch her light up while we pick it out and i can't wait to hear what she names it. (she has been getting very creative with names) Today she named my one mannequin that i highlighted Callie.. This is actually going to be her Valentines Day present, i know its early but hey, she is the love of my life!

So on another Note school is going pretty amazing, i get excited everyday to leave for school which makes me love it even more, then seeing my own work after makes me smile....
There are a lot of negatives in my life right now, but i am only focusing on the positive...Hopefully i can continue to do that....